Failure
Not much has been on my mind lately, of the sort that has demanded writing. And yet, the need is still there. (and, with cancelled plans, so is enough time to borrow for the purpose.)
And what has been front-and-center lately?
The many, many ways in which I am constantly failing.
I don't mean to be all "woe-is-me" - though let's be honest, it's not like that's a sentiment that is too terribly distant - but it is a topic that I want to ponder some more, and wrestle with.
Failure is hardly an experience that's foreign to people; Everyone (at least, if they're human, and honest) have at some point experienced the feeling that everything they touch seems to crumble to dust (the opposite, I suppose, of 'ole Midas.) Sometimes it's just the truth. Other times, it's perhaps only that way in our own minds, due to perfectionism or simply having unrealistic expectations.
The reasons for my continued, repetitive, never-ending string of failures are hardly mysterious. First of all, I'm simply trying to do too much. Being a jack of all trades but master of none is necessary at times, but does mean accepting mediocrity in everything, excellence in nothing. And the more I try to attain that "ALL" part, the more things slip from "mediocre" to "insufficient" to flat-out "failure."
Second of all...yeah, I admit I'm a perfectionist. So right off the bat, my standards for myself are too high, with my pride preferring to rather not do something at all than to do it less-than-perfectly. "Good enough" is a difficult concept to embrace. And even that term has had to be vastly broadened and re-defined as time has gone on. What once wouldn't have been anywhere near "good enough" when it comes to the cleanliness of the house, for example, now would be filed under "better than usual!" (Is this progress, or regress, one might ask?)
Third, and most important...I'm a self-absorbed, lazy, sinful human being.
So, what does one do with all of this?
With the first issue (trying to do too much) the obvious answer is: delegate. Lighten the load. Pare it down. Unfortunately, there's not much else that I can jettison at this point. I've already sacrificed a lot of "non-negotiables" like healthy made-from-scratch meals for my family, anything approaching organization, the aforementioned cleanliness, and most hobbies that don't directly contribute to being able to eat (though even things like planning the garden, or the meat chickens, I can't seem to fit in.) Maybe next year will have to look different, but for now, I'm kind of stuck on this one.
The second, lowering my expectations further...ah, there may be a few places where this can happen, but mostly, if I'm already scoring a 40% on my tests, lowering the bar to 25% is kind of meaningless. If I'm failing to teach my children at least minimally well, the bathroom has been in dire straits for weeks now, the clutter makes navigating through the house difficult, I'm failing to adequately love and please my husband, our finances are a mess, my children don't have friends, my parents haven't heard from me in weeks, and my mental health is already tenuous from not having enough alone/decompression time or time to relax with friends of my own...where can I ease up, exactly? (Not to mention, boy if I could somehow manage to bring home even a small paycheck, that'd probably help both the finances and my approval-rating.)
Third...well, that one's kind above my pay grade, if you will.
There is a place where, if you were to ask others, quite a bit of time could be bought: Church. I calculated it, and between prep time the day before, and the morning of, plus travel, and unpacking afterwards, it "costs" about 8 hours to go to church on Sunday. How can I, therefore, complain about not having enough time? Just, don't go. Or don't go every week. Or, if you feel that you must attend church weekly, at least pick one that's closer. And while there's the obvious storehouse of a full work-day's worth of hours at your disposal, failure in any other area for lack of time is inexcusable, nor do you have the right to ask for help. (or, so such a conversation would go, in my mind.)
But of all non-negotiables, this one is right up at the top, as un-touch-able as the concepts of, "We must have food," or "Sleep has to happen." This is what deals with reason number 3, the core and root of all of the others, and without which everything else would fall apart in short order.
My efforts ultimately are lacking. I don't teach well. I don't cook well (or, can't devote the time to making really quality meals anymore), I don't clean well, organize well, budget well, or show affection well. My mind doesn't function well, I often don't communicate or "friend" well, or use what little time that I do have well.
But...there is One who does all things well.
I hate doing anything poorly, and doing so very many things so very poorly, honestly, hurts my pride more than anything else. Yes, it hurts my neighbor too, in that they are not getting the best that I can give them - and perhaps where this can be supplemented with outside help, I should find a way to do so, for their sakes.
But...may my inability to do everything point me to my need for the omnipotent One. May it humble my obnoxious pride and drive me to my knees, where I can find true comfort, knowing that He has done it all on my behalf.
"It is finished," He said.
One day, I will lay aside the plow...the broom, the red pen, the whisk...and I will enter that eternal rest - that rest which is both now and not-yet - of which I have a foretaste in the here-and-now, but will be fully realized on that blessed Last Day. No more will I strive and fall, no more will I falter and fail, but I will rest fully in the arms of Jesus.
I cannot do it all. But God be praised, He did everything for me. I can't earn His love. But God be praised, because of Jesus, I don't have to. I can't do anything but fail. But God be praised, He succeeded perfectly, forgiving and washing away my many sins.
In the eyes of others - and of myself - I may be a failure. But in His eyes, I am spotless and perfect, because He has baptized me and made me so.
-M