Progress
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
It's just at that moment, it seems, when the protagonist appears to have changed, that things have turned a corner, that the fatal flaw has been overcome, that the villain vanquished...that the narrator of the script chuckles aloud, and says, "Watch this."
It's just when the craving ceases, that I stuff my face.
It's just when I've kept my word consistently that I go back on it and prove that it wasn't worth the air I used to speak it.
It's just when I've neglected to return the call because I'm doing fine that everything tanks.
It's just when I've been managing my time well that I languish in bed and then spend the day neglecting my vocations.
It's just when I think I've actually gotten somewhere that the deja vu hits and I realize I've just been walking in circles.
(start at 2:12)
We're supposed to make progress, to become more "Christ-like" in our lives as Christians ("little Christs", right?) It's a topic I've been 'round and 'round with on many occasions, with many people. We get better, but we don't see it. We don't "get better" per se, we just become more adept at restraining the flesh. Etc. etc.
I'm still not 100% sure where I stand on the topic, but one thing I do know: this Old Adam I'm chained to, he's exactly the same as he was so many years ago. And he doesn't seem to age; he's still quite lithe and spry, and adept at wriggling out of things.
It feels less like every punch I swing that manages to make contact injures and weakens him, and more like playing a never-ending game of whack-a-mole, or beating at punching bag: I get weary, but he's the Energizer Bunny. Or a Timex watch.
And as time goes on and I age and become physically weaker, and add to my collection of emotional baggage and such, I don't have high hopes of ever achieving that "victorious Christian life" (sorry, I can't even say that with a straight face.)
The good thing is, though, that all that wandering in circles...that's not always such a bad thing.
Sure, I don't want to end up trapped in the same sins over and over again. Sure, I still live as though I can change and hope that maybe someday I will. But the Christian life IS cyclical. It's repetitive. It's not just the seasons of the Church year, or the colors of the paraments, or the lectionary readings that come back around.
There are paths that are trodden so often that they get worn down into the earth, hardened and solid. Seeing the same trees again and again, this is not a bad thing, but is welcome. The path to and from Church every Sunday. The path my hand takes when I make the Sign of the Cross. The returning again and again to kneel at the rail - a welcome landmark. And the non-stop process of being shown my sin, and trusting in Christ for forgiveness, which keeps me alive.
Where is all of this circling going? It's a holding pattern, for sure. But it's also a battle. One where we're primarily the Israelites standing by and watching David's Lord vanquish the giant for us, one where we fight to stay alive while we wait for the Victor to come rescue us. How is progress measured? By pulse, perhaps; "Is she still alive?"
And if the answer is, "Yes," then it is only by God's grace, only by His finding my dead corpse and breathing life into it in Baptism, and then nourishing and sustaining me, feeding me with His Word and giving me His own living blood to drink.
So, onward and upward?
Ah yes, that is the goal, that is the aim. Fight like you can actually win this round. Climb like you can actually reach the next rung. Meet your failure with repentance and plans to do better.
But also embrace the gift that failure offers: a reminder of your continuing great need for Christ and His righteousness. His righteousness has been given to you as a gift. Do not despair, but rest in that.
-M