Isolation
I could maybe start this out with a bunch of examples of times when we isolate things - sick chickens, convicts, experiments - and how it can be a useful thing, either in protecting others from bodily harm, or in gaining a better understanding of the world through science. That might be an interesting way to grab attention, and then segue into what I'm really wanting to say.
But that would take work, and it's the middle of the night and my body isn't letting me sleep, so let's just cut to the chase, right?
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I struggle, mentally and emotionally, and the vast majority of that is tied to my relationships with other human beings. My life is such that I really don't have an awful lot of interaction with other people, aside from surface stuff, mostly with strangers or vague acquaintances. And, I can reach a point where that actually keeps things fairly stable. Remaining emotionally distant can help keep things on a relatively even keel.
There's a way to stay isolated, even when interacting with people.
"Walls," I think they're called. [snark]
When I can achieve this state, I occasionally become aware of it, recognize the stability, and resolve to keep things thus, even pondering whether close relationships and friendships are really even necessary.
And I'm content enough, in my flat, level state.
...but then I slip, and open up, and get a taste of real connection again...and that Kansas skyline starts looking more like the Adirondacks. It's like swearing off sugar, getting to a place where you don't crave it anymore, and then eating a chocolate chip cookie, and wondering how you've managed to survive without it.
But, one doesn't need chocolate chip cookies to survive. In fact, nutritionally, one is in fact generally better off without them.
Or, is it more like chronic pain, that is constant and consistent, so it kind of fades into the background, and you think it's all good...until you have a rare GOOD day when it's gone, and it wakes you up to just how much you were really hurting?
Or is it like that? Some people, like me, can't handle foods that are actually quite healthy, like wheat, rye, barley, or corn (and probably oats.) Maybe my psyche can't handle anything other than surface-level stuff.
Or perhaps, even if it can't, life without it...it may be "safe", but is the stability worth the price? Or is a case where the cure is worse than the disease?
(And, it seems that fewer friendships and interactions equates to a better relationship with my husband...but is that because of fewer emotional ups and downs making me easier to get along with, or due to things on his end? Yet another angle to consider.)
I don't really know what the answers are, but it's a puzzle I keep coming back to.
In the meantime... 1) What the heck, body? Let's get some sleep, hmmm? 2) I'm a doormat who gives in too easily, Lord have mercy. Maybe my mind can shut up and stop letting anxiety over today's intense conversation have the floor.
And...what about Jesus?
(I've been crying out to him tonight, though not really about this topic.)
He is the truest friend, the one friendship needful.
But, just to be clear, "It's not religion, it's a relationship" is crap...a rant for another day. However, inasmuch as that crowd has abused the "Jesus is my friend" notion...it's still true. Greater love has no one than this...
-M
(Oh, but what about that whole loving your neighbor thing? Don't others need my friendship? Ah, more complexity, for another time. But...but where I have failed in this, and where my own struggles and sins get in the way of this...Jesus was the perfect Friend in my place. God be praised.)
Now, it's 3:13AM, and time to try sleeping again. Sigh.
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