Pastoral
A pastor carries a heavy weight of responsibility. God has entrusted to him the souls of the flock under his care.
It is his job to feed them, care for them, guide them to safe places, protect them from dangerous predators...basically keep them alive.
He feeds them with the Word and Sacraments, cares for them with the Law and the Gospel, guides them with sound doctrine as they wrestle with life's difficulties, and protects them by standing immovably against false doctrine and error.
But, are there also "little pastors" in the form of fathers in the household?
The Bible instructs fathers to teach their children the faith diligently. Luther thought this was a good idea, too.
Now fathers, as the head of the household, aren't charged with distributing the Sacraments, but the rest of it seems like it applies. It is not as though they are responsible only for the physical needs of the children, but not the emotional and spiritual as well. And studies show that they are by far the greatest influence on whether or not children raised in the faith remain in it.
There is something incredibly masculine about these roles, of both the pastor and the father. Indeed, they seem to intertwine and compliment each other, even as a pastor can be called "father" as well. There is very good reason - there are many very good reasons - why women cannot be pastors.
But...not all heads of household (in a spiritual sense) are fathers. Sometimes, the role of spiritual head of the family is thrust upon the mother.
Such is my case.
So, I carry a burden I was never meant to bear. These are shoes too big for me to fill. I have hips built for bearing children, not broad shoulders for this kind of weight. I am too weak for the job. I bend to that which would pry them away from the faith, rather than remain rigid. When those who would undermine my task push, they find me to be the doormat that I am, especially as my other vocations call me to be the submissive partner.
So, I fail. I'm stuck in a catch-22. Where is the line at which I must bend no further? Was yesterday really about what it was presented to be about? Or was it, as I expect, a carefully-driven wedge, placed strategically into a crack, with which to gradually apply pressure, and accomplish the ultimate goal: rescue the children from the spiritual lies they've been taught, catechizing them instead into the religion of atheism?
I am being ridiculous and overreacting. We're just talking about one Sunday a month, each. Spending time in nature is good too (using the word "creation" as though it weren't an utterly foreign way of speaking.) There's so much other work to be done on the weekends, Sunday is the only time available. It's good and noble for a father to spend one-on-one time in the out-of-doors with their sons.
*sigh* And yet, I can't help but feel the crushing weight of having ceded too much, of agreeing to teach my children that church is important, but not so much that it can't be discarded in favor of a trip in the nice weather with dad - opting to try to find God in the fresh air and trees and sunshine, worshiping the creation and warm fuzzies rather than going where He has promised to be, both audibly and physically. And what starts with one Sunday a month will easily shift to every 4 weeks, or every 3 (hey, we can't control the weather; make hay while the sun shines), and on and on.
It's true, missing church every now and then is not the end of the world. Skipping a meal won't kill you. But it will weaken you, especially if done regularly. But even if not eating food can be good for the body sometimes, fasting from the Word is never wise. "Man does not live by bread alone."
Yes, I teach them during the week. I read the Word to them. But this too will be greatly lessened in the fall, for one of them.
So, this is what is weighing on me. One would think the greater burden would be the enormous financial difficulties we're about to face, in taking on an boat load of debt, even as the blame for us not being better off in that area was placed on my shoulders, because of my health issues. That does press on my mind, and maybe it'll prove to be a heavier weight after I crunch all of the numbers. I do fail in the realm of finances too, selfishly spending too much on my food, and the gardening supplies that are required to produce it. But money comes and goes; my children's souls are eternal.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
-M