Just Be Yourself

 But, don't be like that.

Don't be so clingy; it feels smothering,

Don't be so distant; you don't seem to care.

Don't be manipulative; that's hurtful.

Don't be surprised at how I acted; remember cause and effect.

Learn to regulate your own emotions; I can't do it for you, and its overwhelming.

Why don't you let me in? I want to be able to be there for you.

Don't cover up what you think makes you weird; I want to know the real you.

Wait, what is all this?  What just happened? I wish we could go back to the way things were before.

I feel like I have to figure everything out on my own.  Apply the tried-and-true method that's gotten us this far: trial and error, collecting and analyzing data.

And now, in trying to fix my own mental and emotional issues that keep sabotaging my relationships, and digging into the realm of psychology (and pop-psychology), it's utterly overwhelming.  There are so many different labels (avoidant vs anxious vs secure, love languages, personality types, etc.,) conflicting opinions, so many lines of thought that bump into and trip over each other, and so many varying ideas that are heading in the completely opposite directions.  

In any endeavor of this sort, there has to be a lot of sorting through the crap to find the truth; in this arena, it seems like the vast majority of it is utter nonsense.  I'm pawing through a dung pile trying to find the few keys that are maybe hidden in it, in hopes that they unlock the doors.  It smells awful, and all of my pan-handling is resulting in a depressingly-small yield...and lots of feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.

Psychology says, "Love yourself."  But Jesus says, "Love your neighbor."  

The hybrid pop-Christo-pyschology (that's often taught in churches these days) says, "Love yourself first, so that you can better love your neighbor."  

That's better, but still wrong.  I want to fix what's wrong with me, so that I can better love my neighbor.  I already love myself, more than I ought (as we all do, if we're being honest.)  

But, here's what I'm finding is happening:  

It's analogous to peering into the Law and seeing the depth of my sin.  Only here I'm peering into society's laws about how we're supposed to interact, and seeing a vast, tangled web of all the mistakes I'm constantly making.  

My sin has an answer: Jesus.

This mess? The only answer is, "Do the hard work."  "Fix yourself."  "Be better so that you'll be worthy of relationships." 

The big boogey-man in pop-psychology-land is the dreaded Narcissist.  Try to work things out with anyone...but if you're dealing with one of those, the only answer presented seems to be to cut ties and run.

But...if I'm to spend all of this time peering into my mirror, working on self-care and self-love, constantly analyzing myself and my emotions and traumas...all that peering inward...won't it create the very monster everyone seems to fear?

It's all so confusing.  

I think there's value in recognizing why I react the way I do in certain scenarios, and in trying to work to change my behaviors when they are causing conflict or miscommunication or heartache or pain.  But...for someone like myself who is so very terrified of "doing it wrong"...it seems like no matter what path I take, it's the wrong one, and it's enough to make one want to shut down and just retreat.  There's no hope for me, especially if I try to "just be myself."

I think there are a lot more religions out there than people realize.  I think there is a religion of Sports, of Politics...even Athiesm is a religion.  Pop-psychology is, I think, it's own religion too.  Oh, Christianity has played the whore with it, and their spawn has taken over pulpits everywhere.  But it is its own thing, too.  It has its sins (as I've mentioned), and its path to salvation.  Perhaps everyone gets their own personal "Jesus" in their therapist.  

The true Jesus is very aware of my hurts, my struggles, and my many, many sins.  He knows my desire to "be better", in order to love my neighbor more and cause less pain.  But, my good intentions aren't what matters.  My trying and failing isn't the key; it doesn't matter if I do my best.  I will always fail at all of this, no matter how hard I try.  And He forgives where there are sins and He washes them away - not because I tried, not because He "knows my heart" (cringe), but because of His death.  And, it's not my failure to "self-regulate" (whatever that is), or to properly empathize or "hold space" for someone (per se) that He absolves, but rather it is the very real sins that permeate all of it - my selfishness, my pride, my anger and resentment, my transgressing His Law in a myriad of ways - that He takes on Himself, and removes from me as far as the East is from the West.

May I never lose sight of the true Standard by which life must be measured.  And may I never lose sight of the Source of my true Hope: Not in methods or therapy or books or "inner work", but Christ and Him Crucified.

In Him I can be my true self.  In Him I can be what He calls me:  Child of God.

-M

Previous Post: Causing Pain

Next Post: Boundaries