Daily Bread
I must confess something: I'm a bit of a hoarder.
Blame it on Covid, at least partially...that's where things got markedly worse, anyways. All of a sudden all of those things in life that we took for granted would always be there, that would always be available on the shelf at the local store (things like, you know, toilet paper) suddenly weren't there. One day you could just run to the grocery store to pick up some pork chops to cook for dinner that night, and the next the meat counter was empty.
We had always kept some extra food on hand, so that grocery trips would only have to happen once a week, and we could eat for a month or so with no problem if need be. But this ratcheted things up to the next level. We built extra shelves in the basement to hold even more food and supplies.
And then, when my food issues started appearing, and as the years passed and I went from having to be picky about what brands of food I bought, to not being able to eat anything from the store and having to grow and preserve it myself and/or source directly from a few carefully-vetted farmers, the hoarding has only gotten worse.
What if something happens, and I can't eat? What if I run out of food, and end up like I did two winters ago eating only beef and squash and dried beans...until the squash ran out...and then the bean jar was emptied...and I was down to eating the cow's tongue and liver? I'd better stash away as much as I possibly can.
Having a basement that's stuffed to the gills with edibles helps me breathe a little bit easier.
But...then what do I do if our house burns down?!
And, the deeper question that's driving all of this is...do I not trust God to provide for my needs?
It's curious, that so much of the food that I worked so hard to grow and preserve last year ended up being inedible, because I didn't realize my dehydrator was cross-contaminating everything, or that the aluminum foil I was using was a problem, or that potatoes and squash cooked in my oven was causing me issues.
All that manna I gathered somehow grew worms and stank.
Did God let me starve? I lost a lot of weight, yes, inadvertently ending up in ketosis for a long time, and having my stomach constantly growling and my ribs poking out wasn't awesome. But He did provide.
Will He not do so again?
Or do I just not like the idea that He might not grant me food to the level of comfort or self-indulgence that I'm craving or am used to?
I spend a ton of time, of necessity, on growing and preserving my food for the year. It's not terribly different from what the settlers did, or even our ancestors just a few hundred years ago even. But doing so means, often, neglecting my family, having hardly any friends, focusing on myself and my own well-being while not having time to spare for others outside my own walls.
Should I ease up on it? Sacrifice a week's worth of green beans stashed away for next February, in order to [write that letter, read to my kids, go visit someone who's lonely, etc]
Maybe.
But here's the flip side: Isn't it wrong to presume upon God, to "test" Him, if I'm understanding that correctly? He has not promised me the food I need. Or, has He? Do Christians never starve?
"The eyes of all look to you, O Lord, and you give them their food at the proper time." (Psalm 145:15)
"I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread." (Psalm 37:25)
"“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6:25-26)
But the Bible also says that if anyone will not work, he shall not eat (2 Thess. 3:10). If I ignore my special food needs, and go do all the other things while leaving the zucchini to rot and the potatoes to become diseased, and don't even try to do what is necessary, expecting the food to just fall from the sky...well, that seems like a problem too.
That said, we ask for "daily bread", don't we? We look for Him to provide for today's needs.
Yet another thing that requires balance? Work to provide the food, but don't let it overshadow the need to love your neighbor...and ultimately realize that it all comes from His gracious hand, and your work and toil is no guarantee.
"And he told them a parable, saying, 'The land of a rich man produced plentifully, and he thought to himself, "What shall I do, for I have nowhere to store my crops?" And he said, "I will do this: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I will say to my soul, 'Soul, you have ample goods laid up for many years; relax, eat, drink, be merry.”’ But God said to him, "Fool! This night your soul is required of you, and the things you have prepared, whose will they be?" So is the one who lays up treasure for himself and is not rich toward God.'” (Luke 12:16-21)
But, ok, even beyond the food issue is the spiritual one.
Not only are my dietary needs very precise and difficult to fulfill...so are my spiritual ones. I'm at least as picky with my theology as I am with what I eat, because while eating the wrong food can cause pain and a ruined several days or weeks, consuming false doctrine can have repercussions that last for an eternity. I have read and studied, and I am utterly convinced that Confessional Lutherans have the Truth, and that the traditional Liturgy is the best confession of that Truth.
The problem is, it's a very rare breed in these parts. I drive well over an hour each way to get there every Sunday, and the next closest decent alternative appears to be over 4 hours away.
I can't tell you how many times I've broken out in a sweat, wondering what would happen if something caused our church to close.
I want assurances that God will not abandon us. I want to know that I will still have a church 5 years from now. I want to know that I'll still have a faithful pastor (even with limitations) in the future. If I could save up and hoard what I receive every Sunday to protect against a future spiritual famine, I'm sure that I would. (My computer file holding several year's worth of sermons may speak to this...)
But, it seems that this, too, is something - even more so than the food - that I have to trust God to provide on a day-by-day basis.
Will he let me starve spiritually? He has promised nothing will separate me from His love, that no one will snatch me out of His hand, that He will finish the work that He began.
I want to feast, always, the way that I do now. But, if God so wills, He can keep me alive on less. If I have to drive 4+ hours each way and can only make it there once every month or two, my ribs might start to show and my lips might become parched, but He can still keep me alive on those slim rations.
Even so...dear God, please. Preserve the good gift of my church. Take my food, keep me alive on the bare minimum...but please don't make me have to subsist on such meager spiritual rations...especially as I'm already limited to only receiving the Blood.
And yet...if You so will it, Lord, let me trust that You know best, and that if it ever comes to it, that You will sustain me, and not let my faith in You fail.
Help me to trust in You, that You will indeed hear my prayers and provide my daily bread.
-M
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Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal.” Then they said to him, “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?” Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” So they said to him, “Then what sign do you do, that we may see and believe you? What work do you perform? Our fathers ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written, ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.’” Jesus then said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.” They said to him, “Sir, give us this bread always.”
Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. But I said to you that you have seen me and yet do not believe. All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out. For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last day. For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.”
So the Jews grumbled about him, because he said, “I am the bread that came down from heaven.” They said, “Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How does he now say, ‘I have come down from heaven’?” Jesus answered them, “Do not grumble among yourselves. No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day. It is written in the Prophets, ‘And they will all be taught by God.’ Everyone who has heard and learned from the Father comes to me— not that anyone has seen the Father except he who is from God; he has seen the Father. Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.”
The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?” So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread the fathers ate, and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.”
(John 6:26-58, ESV)