Flirt
It's been a puzzle to me, for a long time, why it is that women don't usually seem to like me.
For real. I think I'm just not cut out to have friends. Or to interact with other human beings in general.
As a kid, I made friends with both boys and girls readily enough. Some of my closest friends were boys, though my BEST friends were always girls. At some point I reached the age where it became weird for me to be the only girl invited to a boy's birthday party, and eventually my self-consciousness, "other-ness", and puberty all meshed, so that, while I still made a few rare good friends of the opposite gender, it only happened if I wasn't attracted to them at all. If I was - and especially if it was very strong - I'd shut down, clam up, and avoid, because the emotions were so intense, and the fear of saying or doing something stupid was so strong.
Before too long, though, I started having trouble interacting with other teen girls, too. They didn't seem to like me. It was like, we couldn't relate.
It even was to the point that - though I didn't recognize it specifically as such at the time - I had my own personal female bully: Ashley. Oh, she didn't "pound" me and give me swirlies, but rather she discovered the fact that I was exceedingly easy to embarrass, and my face would immediately turn intensely red when it'd happen (it still does, sometimes.) So she'd entertain herself by causing me to become embarrassed as often as possible.
For a shy, self-conscious, awkward teen like me, it was hell.
When it came to romantic relationships, I was utterly confused. I had so many crushes on so many different guys - a few of them very intense and very long-lasting - but nothing really happened. I was too terrified to even speak to some of them, and the one I did get close to and liked the most and for the longest time...to put myself out there was sheer terror, and I could never tell for sure if he liked me back, so we just stayed friends.
I had this idea that, if a guy likes you, he'll let you know. And I'd see everyone around me pairing up, and watch their interactions, and wonder why it was no one ever seemed to pursue me. "I must be ugly," I decided (even though I didn't really believe it.)
One friend advised me that the key was to flirt. Flirt? I didn't have the slightest clue how to do that, and on the few times I tried, it was painfully awkward. Actually, I decided, I hated flirting, and especially it drove me nuts when people would flirt with those that they weren't actually attracted to. How could they mess with people's emotions like that, just for their own entertainment and amusement?! It seemed utterly cruel.
Miraculously, one man eventually did pursue me, and I married him. As a result - having given birth to two children, both male - I have now spent more of my life living in a household in which I am the only female, than I have with other women. I "get" men. They're fairly simple creatures, on the whole, and I know how to relate to them. They're pretty easy to talk to, and all it takes is a smile and they're willing to engage in conversation. I'm comfortable around them, and I don't feel like I have to have my guard up nearly as much as I do with other women.
Speaking of which, for real women are a puzzle. Truly, most of them seem not to like me. Oh, they might be friendly enough on the surface, polite... but it's only a few that genuinely seem to want to connect. They're harder to interact with, harder to interpret, easier to offend. As someone with strong autistic traits and prone to social anxiety...women make me much more anxious. So maybe it's also self-fulfilling, in that I tend to avoid them and keep my distance.
What I've come to realize about myself, though, is that this combination of things may have caused some problems.
There have been a few instances where I've been talking with a man about a topic we're both really interested in - especially things that I'm currently "fixated" on - where onlookers have seemed to imply that I was flirting, or being otherwise something more than just friendly.
Because of the anxiety, I tend to gravitate away from other women and seek out the conversation of men; I'm more likely to be accepted and feel much more at ease with them. My motives are not nefarious; I'm just looking for the most comfortable scenario in an uncomfortable situation. I'm talking in an engaged manner about topics that excite me at the time: things like the hypostatic union, outsmarting squash vine borers, or foraging for wild mushrooms.
But, why is it that this is true, this perception that I'm being flirtatious? (if I'm even right about this being the case?)
I'm beginning to suspect that maybe, in fact, I am attractive...or at least reasonably tolerable to look at.
And I've learned, over the years, that if I smile at and give attention to a man, he's likely to welcome me with open arms.
Is it really that simple? Have I been unconsciously "flirting" with many of these guys (or, if not "flirting" per se, at least being too open and friendly) as a learned behavior, taking advantage of a pleasant appearance and artificially-straightened teeth to get the easy conversation and attention that I'm seeking?
Ugh.
Is that why women don't like me?! Do they all think that I'm after their husbands?! Do the men think that I'm interested in them?!
Am I guilty of the very thing I once loathed?!
Ugh. I mean...truly. Ugh.
BUT. I'd like to kind of test my hypothesis, and try to stop chatting up guys, and then see if women start being more friendly. Because, if I've inadvertently ended up doing this, then it's not ok, and I need to try to stop.
So, goodbye safe place. Hello again, social awkwardness.
But wait, if I'm not going to have friends either way, then why can't I at least have friends who are guys?
Oh right; because it's not cool and it gives the wrong impression, potentially leading to all sorts of problems.
But hey, I've got this little blog to keep me company. Which I made private again, so no one else can see it. I guess it just needs to be that way, for now.
My own little echo chamber.
Good thing I like my own reflection.
[Ugh.]
-M
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