Demons
What happens when major interpersonal conflicts are left unresolved, and just buried so that life can continue, like "normal"?
When the decay is simply wallpapered over, the rotting corpse hidden under the floorboards, the broken glass left on the floor and merely covered with a cloth?
Should one be surprised when the structure begins to crumble, the air is tainted with a foul odor, and feet get lacerated as they tread in the vicinity?
If the beast isn't killed but merely contained - and that container is made of paper - is it really any surprise when it continues to wreak havok?
I don't know what to believe. Your actions sometimes betray you. While I don't blame you, I cannot seem to please you. I don't know what you want from me.
I will never let you truly close again. And I constantly wonder if this mistake or that mistake - or some other I am utterly unaware of - will cause you to sever ties with me again, without even explaining why, let alone discussion or any attempt at resolution.
We don't talk. I'm not allowed to talk to you about these things.
In some ways things are better now than they were. I'm more emotionally stable, on the whole, of late. [edit: famous last words.] But this whole situation still has me tied up in knots, hamstringing me, even if the tension isn't currently dragging me into the depths (though I feel its pull, and it's got its talons in me.) [edit: it's dark down here.]
From where you sit and observe, do you judge me as being too friendly? Not friendly enough? Both seem to be problematic, but I have no idea where you've drawn the lines. So I'm trying to work within my own, while at the same time trying to read you...but sometimes it's like trying to read Chinese upside-down.
And very regularly I find it's all just too much - the tension, the fear, the emotions, the confusion - and I resolve to give up. Distance and detachment seems to be the only cure. But then, my distancing myself is what apparently upset you in the first place...?
(Now, if only I could actually do that - actually remain emotionally distant and detached, keep it all surface-level - maybe things would be better. But for all my trying to be that way, if it were actually true - if I'd succeeded - none of this would bother me like it does. I keep trying, but I guess I'm still not there yet.)
I hate all of this. I miss being able to be free and open and honest, trusting, without fear. Close. Attached.
Instead I'm holding my cards close to my chest, dodging, uncomfortable, awkward, uncertain...all hidden behind a smile.
But, ya know, this is cool too. Or something.
-M
[Edit: But, you don't know. I have to believe you don't understand now, nor did you before, when everything was falling apart. If you'd understood just how much it was all deeply destroying me - how much of a complete wreck I was, how truly torturous - I have to believe you wouldn't have responded the way that you did. For whatever reason, I'm not good at getting people to take me seriously, and it's probably not your fault that you didn't.
I have my demons. But it must be that you have struggles and demons of your own, in this arena. I don't know what they are. But I've been trying - truly I have - to give you the benefit of the doubt. I'm failing, often, and I keep giving up. But, still, I keep picking back up and trying to be your friend again; it's like I can't help myself. It's just...3 steps forward, 2 steps back, I guess (sometimes 4 or 5 back, or a giant leap.) I've been tripped up majorly again lately; my feet are bleeding pretty badly. And I'm resolving to back off again, emotionally at the very least (whether I can actually do so or not remains to be seen; my mental and emotional ties to you both are pretty strong, and my willpower weak.) But, maybe, the lost ground can still be recovered, someday...? But if we keep playing like everything's somehow magically fixed, if you keep the avenues of communication locked up so we can never address the deeper issues, I don't see this struggle ever letting up.]