Fake

 Our world is obsessed these days with "authenticity."  

I think it's a reaction against all of the fake, digital stuff - all the air-brushing and photo-shopping, putting on a facade in order to appeal to the people.  

I feel it, too.

When you're constantly bombarded with things that are edited and touched-up - always being sold things in pretty packaging - then encountering something that's bare, honest, and raw can be so very refreshing.

So, we strive to be "authentic."  

But, what does that even mean, anyways?  

We can go chasing down that rabbit trail.  Maybe it means no make-up, being casual, eschewing things like proper vocabulary and syntax, and revealing emotions instead of hiding them.   

But, this can lead to what I think one would call the Walmart phenomenon: people tromping into the store to shop, still wearing their pajamas, cursing loudly in public, being rude and impolite and impatient.

Because, if I'm being my authentic self, then all that pretty veneer must be stripped off...those things like, you know, clean clothes and manners.  Those aren't really me, after all; they're something society has imposed on me.

Who am I, really?  The "real" me?  Underneath all of the masks?

Now, that's a wild goose chase, to be sure.  And, if one is truly honest, it can only lead to one place:

I am a poor, miserable sinner.

If I decide to act authentically, then I will snap at my kids; after all, I'm authentically feeling irritable right now.

If I act authentically, I won't cook for my family; I can't eat it anyways, and I don't feel like putting in the work.

If I act like my "true, authentic self", I'll use some pretty foul language, while I complain about various hurts people have caused me.

If I'm true to myself, I'll buy that thing I've been coveting, even though we can't afford it.  After all, I deserve it.

If I'm being authentic, I won't care about the impact my words have on others, as I seek catharsis in spilling out my innermost thoughts and feelings, unchecked.

And I'll seek to have that "authentic self" validated, and whine and cry if it's not.  

It's actually hard, sometimes, to cover up that self.   And it feels wrong, sometimes.  

I used to think it was kind of like lying.  If I smile and say I'm fine, when I'm not, isn't that a lie?  But what if telling the truth causes problems, while instead keeping it surface-level is more loving to the person asking, who cannot actually sit and listen to me give a more honest answer at the moment?  Or, if I feel like crap and want to go home, but someone else looks lonesome and could use cheering up...if I put on a false friendly front and act pleasant, that's not me being "authentic", is it?  And yet, it's a loving thing to do.

In fact, in a very real sense, every time we fight against our innate, sinful self, we are being "fake".  We're telling that "authentic self" to sit down and shut up.  And this is something that our culture thinks is truly evil. 

But it is, in fact, a good work, is it not?

Now, how does lying fit into it?  I don't really know.  Everything we do is soiled with sin, so I guess trying to separate out lying from killing the flesh and refusing to obey its desires is kind of a fool's errand.  

Ugh, and yet I can say all of this, and still crave to my core the ability to connect without barriers.  Part of it is probably the added dimension of my autistic traits, the social difficulties, the constantly playing a role, trying to be "normal" - and trying to discern what protocol governs different complex interactive scenarios.  People with these sorts of problems can become almost obsessed with "unmasking", as though that will be the answer to everything and all of the stress and burn-out.  People should accept me as I truly am, with all of my quirks etc. or something.  And while maybe there's some truth to it (I'm trying to loosen up a little on hiding some of my stims/tics), at the same time, the masks are simply a burden that comes with the territory, I think; an extra autistic tax on admission to polite society.  But, it can be easy to feel that people who like you, like the persona that you adopt, rather than who you really are. 

And, it can get lonely, under the mask.  Putting one on to try to make things go smoothly - intentionally hiding your true thoughts and feelings - can cause a particularly potent and unique ache that reaches to deep down to one's core.

So, what's the answer?  Hell if I know.

Probably some kind of balance, as always.  

Be honest, but not at the cost of hurting others.

Be authentic, but not at the expense of love.

Share who you truly are with a trusted few, but not if it causes problems, or causes a rift in the relationship.

Don't lie, but you don't always have to lay it all out.

And when wearing a mask is necessary to function and interact, it's better than being a hermit who shuns all interaction for fear of the pain.  

...and all of that is probably nonsense.

But.  Jesus was the only one who could be truly authentic AND at the same time truly loving.  The core of His being is not the blackest sin, He is not plagued by things like selfishness or greed or lust.  He never put up a false front, but He is Love Itself, in human form.  Where I screw this up, He did it perfectly, in my stead, FOR ME. 

His righteousness is mine, given to me as pure gift in my Baptism.  This truth is preached into my ears and poured down my throat.

May He cling to me and never let me go, lest I be lost.

-M

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