Uncomfortable
I've mentioned my struggle with gluttony.
Don't laugh. It's true. Even if it might not look it. Even if I might seem to be ridiculously in control of my eating, what with weighing most of my meals, eating so precisely, etc.
It's plagued me for most of my life, this urge to eat what I shouldn't, to binge on all manner of things, especially sweets.
I eat more than I should. I finish my food, and immediately am figuring out why it's OK for me to dive back in and eat more, even though I've had plenty, even though I'm not actually hungry, but rather that I just want to eat. I lose control, throw all restraint to the wind... It's shameful. It's sinful.
Truly, my god is my belly.
But, it's common. It's socially acceptable. It seems...minor.
Certainly not, you know...deadly.
But, what is it that I'm looking for, when I binge?
Usually comfort.
I'm emotionally distraught. I should eat something, to make me feel better. My body is reacting to something. I should eat something, because doing so usually helps, (at least for the time being, before perhaps making it worse.) I'm lonely and want to be soothed; I should eat. I feel guilty about having eaten too much; I should eat some more (I mean, why not, at this point; the damage is already done.)
In fact, usually when I give into sins, it's because I'm looking for comfort, whether physical, or emotional, or sometimes maybe even spiritual. There's some lack, and I think that by giving into the wants of my flesh (and I use the word in the broader sense), then I will fill that emptiness, or at least numb it for a bit.
Plus, the craving is a kind of suffering, a kind of pain. Temptation is uncomfortable; giving into it is an easy way to make that pain go away.
But, it just leads to the pain of guilt. Or, it should, if my conscience is functioning rightly , or if I'm hearing God's Word that condemns it.
I don't like being uncomfortable. (Who does, really? Such an unnecessary statement, right?) I should give in..because, poor me etc. It's a quick fix; just soothe that pain with some more food, etc.
Why do I look at this sin lightly? Like it's no big deal. Is there a reason fasting has been such a normal spiritual discipline? I've done it before, but why is not a regular habit? It's good to say "no" to myself, to say "no" to my desires. But it's hard, I don't want to, and it's easier to say to myself that it's not serious, it's no big deal, I'm misleading myself about it being even really a sin, what I'm doing.
I hate fasting.
And that's why I'm going to try to make it a regular habit. Because sin is no joke, even if it's one that's treated lightly by our society. I cannot continue to pretend that it doesn't matter, that it doesn't have negative ramifications, that it doesn't affect those around me too, that it's too "mild" to be worth bothering with
Will this make me a Pharisee? "I fast twice a week." No. I harbor no delusions that doing so will get me closer to God, convince Him to pay me more attention, earn me a better spot, or improve my standing before Him in any way. But if it helps me kill my Old Adam, and helps me to live more in line with God's will, then that is a good thing.
And while I'm at it, I'm going to take a hard look at what I've been consuming with my ears. While it's not filth, it's fluff, like potato chips and Milky Way bars. It's time to go back to some meat and potatoes, stuffing my ears with good sermons and theological podcasts and hymns instead (and instrumental music in between.)
Can I do it? Can I make a plan and actually stick to it? Probably not; I've tried before and failed. But, with the help of God, maybe.
And ultimately, while I seek earthly comfort in earthly things, may I instead turn to find true and lasting comfort in Christ alone.
May my hunger pangs remind me to look to Him.
And, may all of this help, with the spiritually-tricky place that I find myself in of late.
-M