Heartless
I hate this. All of this.
I'm not mean. I'm not a cruel, heartless person.
But I have to play one.
I've said before that I'm not good with balance; it's all or nothing. No small bite of a cookie...it's either nothing or the whole jar.
I can't give myself an inch. I just can't.
And, I fear everything I do or don't do, say or don't say, only makes things worse, even if I intend to try to make them better, or easier.
I'm not a naturally cold person - at least I don't think I am. But I've had to shut down my emotions, steel myself, just the same, and I hate it. I feel...inhuman.
What about compassion? Can't I care? Love thy neighbor?
Ugh, I hate this. Because...I really can't. I can't open those floodgates. Not again.
I am loathsome. I hate all of this. Oh Lord, have mercy.
Every move is the wrong one.
But...I still think of all the wrong moves available to me, this the least wrong, and maybe even the right thing. Even if it doesn't feel like it.
Emotions are liars. God's Word cannot lie. Don't forget that.
Sometimes what hurts others is the loving thing to do.
Oh, I just wish it didn't hurt me so much too! I'm cold, because I've ripped my own heart out of my own chest in the process.
You think you hurt? I can't even express the torture I've been through.
(I know you hurt, and I don't mean to minimize that... I don't envy you your position one bit; it must be awful.)
"Innocent" or not, good intentions or not, misunderstood or not...is ultimately irrelevant. I'm repenting of my folly; please, won't you join me?
No one is allowed close anymore. My heart has shut down. I am dead inside.
Help, dear Jesus. I'm a monster.
Even writing this is a wrong move. Why do I feel the need to do so? What do I hope to accomplish? Try to show that I'm somehow NOT the heartless wretch that I know I am? Manipulate people? Ease things, somehow? I'm just making it worse. (Show who? Manipulate who? It's not as though you'll ever read this anyways.)
I'm so exhausted from lack of sleep, and not thinking clearly.
Don't worry, I'm fine. I'll be fine.
Please be fine.
Oh Lord, why this again? It's my own fault I know. But...oh please, no. No, no, no...! How many years will I have to keep this up this time? I ran, I fought, I got help this time to try to avoid it. But, here we are again, and this is 10x worse than the first.
Do You even hear when I cry to You? How much did I cry out for help... And it changed nothing, I only ended up in a worse situation. Yes, I knew better...but I trusted, who I thought I could, who I thought I should.
Oh Jesus. Help me. Have mercy. Forgive this awful mess.
-M
[Edit, 2:45am:
You think I'm unloving. I think I'm unloving. But we're both wrong.
I don't have many neighbors these days, in my rather-isolated life. But I do have a few.
This, what I'm doing...this is me loving them.
This is how I love my husband.
This is how I love my friend.
This is how I love my children.
And yes...this is also how I love you.
Love is not all sentimentality and emotion, love is not warm-fuzzies and nice-sounding words. Those things can be a part of it sometimes, yes. But love is not defined by us humans, it is defined by Love Himself. And if you want to know how to love, that is where you must look. And He tells us how to love: "These are the Holy Ten Commands."
How must I love? I must die.
It ain't pretty. But, while I may look like a heartless jerk, know that what you're seeing is not me being cold and unloving; it's me bleeding out. It's me showing love - not just to you, but to the other neighbors that God has given to me, to other neighbors that I have also wronged.
Not that I can somehow atone for my sins in this way, but rather, because He has paid for them all already, in the forgiveness won for me through Christ, I can have the strength to take up my own cross daily and follow Him.
But man...it hurts. This is not what I want. Believe me. I want my friend back.
I am weak and a wimp, a push-over who gives in too easily.
I wish there were an easier way available to me; I'd take it in a heartbeat (...if I still had a heart, heh.) ]