Publicly-private, minimally-edited meandering trains of thought. This is mostly for my own benefit; poke around at your own risk.
Deeper Implications
I want to write.
I want to pour everything out, and try to sort it out. But, that's a lot, and I can't. I don't have the time and focus necessary.
Or, I'm afraid to.
Yesterday I started seeing a counselor. It would be nice if she were a Christian, but I don't think that she is. But, this is the best I can do right now. It took 9 months of waiting to finally get an appointment, and I feel like a bit of a fraud, like I don't need to do this, like everything is ok and I'm just wasting both of our times.
But things often aren't ok, and it's in those moments that I realize how much I need help.
...and even just our first introductory high-level overview-of-my-life discussion has stirred the waters such that I've been mentally agitated, and playing things over in my head.
The thing is, though...I don't need a counselor. I need a Pastor.
I have one...but I don't.
I need spiritual counsel. Desperately. All of what has happened this past year and a half has shaken me to my core, and there are issues that keep coming back around, issues that don't just mess with my head, they mess with my faith. Issues I've wrestled with previously in conjunction with this mess, but that were never really resolved, never answered satisfactorily, but rather were just shelved for the time being.
It's not that I'm looking to shift blame. Sure, that's a natural and easy response, but it's far more than that. My sins - even those particular ones - have been absolved. Specifically. Rather, I'm looking to make sense of it all, dealing with the effects of everything, not being able to pretend like everything is ok.
After all that has happened, I simply can't trust my pastor to lead me anymore. Not really, anyways. I can't trust his guidance, his counsel. Without that, I'm not sure who to turn to.
God be praised, I have a small (but decent) theological library, with several really thorough, dense theological works. These have already proven vastly helpful. And there are pastors in Facebook groups that I can pose broader questions to (though my more recent attempts at starting discussions have fallen flat; I fear I don't phrase things well, and my genuine need for help gets ignored. Perhaps I come across as looking to start a fight. But I digress.)
So, I'm not completely devoid of resources.
But...there is simply no replacement for a Pastor who knows you personally, knows your situation, and cares about you.
I think that is a gift that I have lost. I have a church, and I have a preacher, and a Sacrament-distributor. But I don't seem to have a capital-P-Pastor.
And I have no one to blame for that but myself.
(Hey, at least it's not the "worst case scenario" [snark] ... Cold comfort, that.)
My faith has been shaken, repeatedly, and most recently it's back to the question of falling away from the faith. The Bible is clear that this is possible. Our Confessions state this, using examples like David and Peter. The Smalcald Articles (III.III.43) say: It is, accordingly, necessary to know and to teach that when holy men, still having and feeling original sin, also daily repenting of and striving with it, happen to fall into manifest sins, as David into adultery, murder, and blasphemy, that then faith and the Holy Ghost has departed from them [they cast out faith and the Holy Ghost]. For the Holy Ghost does not permit sin to have dominion, to gain the upper hand so as to be accomplished, but represses and restrains it so that it must not do what it wishes. But if it does what it wishes, the Holy Ghost and faith are [certainly] not present.
Was I lost? Was I, even whilerepenting and clinging to Christ, receiving the Sacrament, believing my sins were covered...in the midst of that, was I in fact lost? In sinning against my conscience, silencing it, being convinced that I was not in fact sinning but was actually receiving from God a gift that was His will, a means of providing for my needs...was I not just deceiving myself about what I was doing, but was I actually deceiving myself about being saved at all? About being a Christian? Was I receiving Christ's blood to my harm? Was I wrong to be trusting that it was in fact for me? Was I not in fact forgiven?
Can I trust that the Sacraments are actually objective, actually efficacious? Can I have faith, trusting Christ and not my own works, but just be fooling myself...still be damned?
Could I be caught in a sin unawares now, which is the cause of my current damnation, even as I think that I'm saved, even as I trust that Christ's Word of forgiveness is for me, that His death covers me and my sins? What about my gluttony? I fight against it, but not hard enough, and I give in all the time, against my conscience.
Where is the comfort? If the Means of Grace aren't trustworthy, if I can't cling to them in certainty, if the Gospel might not be for me...then what??
This. This is why I've wrestled so hard with all of this mess. It's not JUST the social and emotional and mental aspects of it. It's the deeper implications.
Chemnitz has a pretty thorough treatment of mortal vs venial sins in his Loci Theologici, and that has been a helpful read, and somewhat comforting in places. I'll be re-reading it, and digging through some other works, and podcasts, etc, and hopefully find some clarity. And comfort.
Because, left un-addressed, this splinter in my brain will continue to fester. And if it's not dealt with soon, I worry where all of this might lead.
Right. So, that's it in a nutshell, really.
Pray for me, dear Jesus, that my faith may not fail.
At church today (9/14/25) we opened with the hymn, "Lord, Thee I Love with All My Heart" (LSB 708) Here are the lyrics:
Lord, Thee I love with all my heart;
I pray Thee, ne'er from me depart,
With tender mercy cheer me.
Earth has no pleasure I would share,
Yea, heav'n itself were void and bare
If Thou, Lord, wert not near me.
And should my heart for sorrow break,
My trust in Thee can nothing shake.
Thou art the portion I have sought;
Thy precious blood my soul has bought.
Lord Jesus Christ, My God and Lord, my God and Lord,
Forsake me not! I trust Thy Word.
Yea, Lord, 'twas Thy rich bounty gave
My body, soul, and all I have
In this poor life of labor.
Lord, grant that I in ev'ry place
May glorify Thy lavish grace
And help and serve my neighbor.
Let no false doctrine me beguile;
And Satan not my soul defile.
Give strength and patience unto me
To bear my cross and follow Thee.
Lord Jesus Christ, My God and Lord, my God and Lord,
In death Thy comfort still afford.
Lord, let at last Thine angels come,
To Abram's bosom bear me home,
That I may die unfearing;
And in its narrow chamber keep
My body safe in peaceful sleep
Until Thy reappearing.
And then from death awaken me,
That these mine eyes with joy may see,
O Son of God, Thy glorious face,
My Savior and my fount of grace.
Lord Jesus Christ, my prayer attend, my prayer attend,
And I will praise Thee without end.
That first stanza...boy, it was hard to sing that. I felt like such a liar. "...thee I love with all my heart;" "...my trust in Thee can nothing shake." Woof.
(Though, "I pray Thee, ne'er from me depart," and "Forsake me not" were appropriate...I'll come back to that)
Today was the annual church picnic, and I found myself, before the service, with a lot of time to kill. So, I did what any emotionally-mature human being in my situation would do [snark]: I hid, and cried my eyes out. Praying, for sure. But yeah. It was touch-and-go during the service too, but at least I managed to hold out 'til after Communion, when I could weep unobtrusively in my seat, under my hat and behind my glasses. (Why do I feel the need to say this? Am I'm manipulating you emotionally, dear [imaginary] reader; feel sorry for me, yada yada? Maybe. But mostly just giving you a peek behind the curtain, to let you know that, despite outward appearances, I'm not an emotionless robot who's merely cerebral, and explain part of why I'm emotionally spent.)
The Prayer of the Church was pretty poignant as well. It included specific prayers for those who are facing doubts or whose faith is weak, that their faith might not fail. I don't remember exactly now, but it hit me at the time, such that I thought, "Did Pastor somehow find my blog and read what I wrote yesterday?!" But I checked, and yes, it's still secret and no, no one has read it.
Back to the, "Forsake me not": I still need to dig more. But, I was reminded of Luther's (I think) quote along the lines of, "When I look at myself, I don't see how I can be saved; when I look at Christ, I don't see how I can be lost."
I don't understand. This issue seems to steal all of the comfort from the Word, from Christ's promises. It's akin to what you end up with the Calvinistic system of belief, where the promises MIGHT be for you, if you're of the Elect. But there's no comfort, because ultimately you can't know for sure. No certainty = no comfort.
But. I do trust Christ's Word (or, do I? Isn't that what this really boils down to: can I take Him at His Word, or no?) I do know He can't lie. I know there are things that are beyond the ability of my reason to understand, mysteries and what not (like the Lord's Supper, the two natures in Christ, etc.) I'm ok with this tension, in general, or at least I'm trying to be. But what I do know is that if I'm saved, it must be Christ's work alone. I do find some comfort in knowing that He must be the one clinging to me, because if it's all based on my grip on Him, then I'm doomed.
So, I put it all into that basket today. I don't understand it. But I believe that Christ is merciful, and that He does not lie. I believe that He baptized me, that He put me in this church, that His Word is true no matter who says it, that His Sacraments are efficacious even if the one distributing it were to despise me and wish that I weren't there. Christ desires my salvation more than I do. He has promised that nothing can separate me from His love, that no one can snatch me out of His hand.
If I die trusting His Word is for me, when it's not actually...well...I don't know. I guess that's better than it being for me, but not trusting it. I took You at Your Word, Jesus. You call me a dog? Fine, I'm a dog; give me the crumbs.
For now, that has to be enough.
But I can't ignore this splinter; it's a big one, a wound that will continue to turn gangrenous if I don't deal with it. The devil will take advantage of any chink in the armor to slip his dagger into, and this is a gaping hole.
Lord, have mercy.]
[Second edit, 9pm:
Right, so, I used to look for God to speak to me mystically, through my circumstances, through apparent coincidences etc. That was bad, and led to all sorts of problems. God deals with us through His Word, and practicing divination by trying to interpret omens is forbidden and condemned.
That said, today has been weird. Between the hymn, the prayers, the Gospel-filled sermon, and now reading the Treasury of Daily Prayer for today...
Let me just copy and paste the Psalm first:
I am utterly bowed down and | prostrate;*
all the day I go about | mourning.
7 For my sides are filled with | burning,*
and there is no soundness | in my flesh.
8 I am feeble | and crushed;*
I groan because of the tumult | of my heart.
9 O Lord, all my longing is be- | fore you;*
my sighing is not hid- | den from you.
10 My heart throbs; my strength | fails me,*
and the light of my eyes—it also
has | gone from me.
11 My friends and companions stand
aloof | from my plague,*
and my nearest kin stand | far off.
12 Those who seek my life lay their snares; those who seek my hurt speak of | ruin*
and meditate treachery | all day long.
13 But I am like a deaf man; I | do not hear,*
like a mute man who does not o- | pen his mouth.
14 I have become like a man who | does
not hear,*
and in whose mouth are | no rebukes.
15 But for you, O Lord, | do I wait;*
it is you, O Lord my God,
who will | answer.
16 For I said, "Only let them not rejoice | over me,*
who boast against me when my | foot slips!"
—Psalm 38:6-16
And then the reading from Martin Luther:
The children of Israel, whenever they turned to repentance, remembered above all their exodus from Egypt, and remembering turned back to God who had brought them out. Moses impressed this memory and this protection upon them many times, and David afterwards did the same. How much more ought we to remember our exodus from Egypt, and by this remembrance turn back to him who led us through the washing of regeneration [Titus 3:5], remembrance of which is commended to us for this very reason! This can be done most fittingly in the sacrament of bread and wine. . . . Thus you see how rich a Christian is, that is, one who has been baptized! Even if he would, he could not lose his salvation, however much he sinned, unless he refused to believe. For no sin can condemn him save unbelief alone. All other sins, so long as the faith in God's promise made in baptism returns or remains, are immediately blotted out through that same faith, or rather through the truth of God, because he cannot deny himself if you confess him and faithfully cling to him in his promise.
I'm a little blown away. How incredibly timely.
Though, Luther speaks so very differently here, than he does in the Confessions; it is confusing. I know it must be the Law/Gospel distinction, but knowing that doesn't fix this issue. ]
[Third edit, Sept 19, 2025:
I wanted to come back and say, I still don't 100% grasp this...but I have found comfort in remembering that God brings us to repentance, that He sent Nathan to David, that even though Peter fell, He restored him, that He is the Good Shepherd who seeks and finds His lost lambs. He sends His Word to correct, and to comfort. He sends Under-shepherds to proclaim that Word, and to watch over the flock, to rebuke when necessary in love, and apply the balm of the Gospel.
He is faithful. And while I shouldn't think, "Oh, I can sin as much as I want and God will always call me back" - a hardened heart can become calloused to where the call to repent isn't even heard anymore, and faith eventually departs - I can also trust that He won't leave me on my own in this.
This is why I need the Word. If I despise it and no longer hear and learn it, then I have cut myself off from the means by which He brings me to repentance.
So, was I lost? I guess I can't really say for sure. It's possible that I was, at least for a little bit. But what matters, is that I am not lost now. He was (and is) faithful to provide correction, to open my eyes. It was incredibly unpleasant. But I am grateful.
And while I strive against sin, and fight not to fall, I know that I am not saved by my avoiding of sin any more than I'm saved by my good works (which is to say, not at all). My salvation is His doing and His alone, from start to finish. His promises are not conditional; I can trust them completely. Though my foot may slip, He will not let me fall.
"And so there is nothing on earth that can separate you from Him, as long as you hear His voice. 'My sheep hear My voice.' When you hear His voice, no one can snatch you out of His hand. It doesn't matter what your sheep-heart thinks, in your panic mode. It matters what the Shepherd says. He doesn't lie to you. 'I know my sheep and am known by my own.' Do you know Him? Do you know He loves you and forgives you? Yes, you do."
(Not that I am therefore saved by my work of hearing His (external) Word. Rather by faith I gladly receive what He freely gives. His Word of Law calls me back when I stray into sin, and His Word of Gospel forgives my sin, comforting me and giving me life. He will not stop speaking; may I never stop listening.)
3 Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. 6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”
7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:3-11)
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. (Isaiah 53:6) ]
[Fourth edit, 9/22 3:50am:
My Good Shepherd will not lead me into sin. And when I'm caught in it, He will not leave me in it, but will love me enough to correct me, to call me out of it, to rescue me from it.
This...this is big. This right here is the thing that has been bothering me. It's not just the theology on its own, the logic breaking down etc. Rather, it is experience screaming at me that this isn't true. And now I finally see why.
Christ is my Shepherd, and He never fails me. He calls and ordains men to act in His stead and by His command, through which He serves. These men are not perfect, like He is, and I know this. They do fail. They may in fact not only see the lamb caught in the briars and not draw them out of it, they may lead them into the thorns to begin with.
And they may do it all while thinking they are leading them to green pastures and still waters.
Even though logically I know this, even though I have no confusion in my mind between the shepherd God has given me and The Shepherd...yet it is sometimes hard to make a true distinction between the two. He is not God, but God works through him to feed me. He is not my Savior, but it is his hands that give me Christ's blood, his voice that preaches the Gospel to me and announces to me Christ's forgiveness in the Absolution.
And he is the ordinary means that God works through, to call me to repentance.
If he sees me caught in sin (or worse, leads me there) and then leaves me in it, might not Christ do the same?
I know that He won't. I do now, at least. But as a result of all of this...deep down, I haven't.
And as a result, I have questioned the goodness of Jesus, questioned my salvation, questioned that The Good Shepherd's voice is even trustworthy, lost certainty and hope.
And the irony is, as dangerous as sin truly is - especially when ignoring one's conscience - I've perhaps never been more in danger spiritually than I have been during this questioning, when the wick of my faith has been smoldering.
When I heard the voice of the under-shepherd, and it contradicted that of The Good Shepherd (and what was said was sweet to my ears,) I chose to follow it, even when conscience whispered (and then yelled, and then screamed), believing myself to be confused in thinking that I was straying from the path. I listened to the voice that told me what I wanted to hear, rather than the One that I know.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." (John 10:27-28)
But God be praised, it is clear to me now. I see my error; I see how I got there.
I repent, and I rejoice.
...and I forgive.
Because not only did Jesus pay for my sins, he paid for his.
Not only does Jesus forgive willfully-straying sheep, he forgives negligent shepherds.
Because He not only leads and guides the lambs through the hirelings, He shepherds those hirelings as well, as they too are sheep of His. When they fail - and as sinners they will - He reaches down and draws them up, He takes them in His arms, He makes their sin His own and covers their shame with the robe of His own righteousness. He loves them dearly and gave His own life for them.
Jesus became a lamb - THE Lamb - for him, to take the punishment for him, to lay down His life so that He could give eternal life to sinners, yes even those wearing stoles.
Knowing of how much I have been forgiven, and that his sin has already been paid for in full on the Cross...how could I ever hold this against him? I cannot, and I do not.
Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ Jesus our Lord.
God be praised.
This doesn't fix things, admittedly; the charred mess still remains, relationships are still damaged, trust is still lost. I still don't know what to do, how to act, and there is still pain, and confusion, and awkwardness. Sin has consequences, after all.
My marriage almost fell apart, and my family with it; depression and despair have tormented me; I have been on the verge of leaving the church many times...and even with no real viable alternative, were it not for my children, I certainly would have.
But relationships can be mended, trust can be restored. Walking away fixes nothing, and leaves everything broken (not to mention seriously jeopardizing my own faith and the faith of my sons.) Staying...staying has been Brutally Hard. I have hope, though, that things will improve, that over time the pain may ease, that reconciliation might take root.
But...after over a year of tumult, my heart is (I believe) finally at rest.
(May my mind and body someday join it. Heh.)
"He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." (1 Peter 2:22-25) ]
