Sweet Dreams
(Are you a random stranger who has somehow stumbled onto my secret blog? Skip ahead past this next part for now.)
I don't think writing in a blog like this is normal.
Being so open about one's thought processes and emotions is, I think, a bit of a rarity - a sort of bizarre emotional exhibitionism, perhaps.
On the one hand, it's a great outlet, a place where I can express a little of the deeper part of me that gets hidden because of my various issues. I can process things that I otherwise ruminate on non-stop (and hopefully then can let go of, or at least stop carrying around in the forefront of my mind), and untangle ideas that occur to me, laying them out logically to see how they fit into the vast puzzle of life.
On the other hand, though, this blog can act like a scrapbook, but not just of the nice moments one wants to remember, but also of the pains and hurts that might otherwise have a chance to fade into the sea of forgetfulness.
Picking at scabs is a bad habit of mine, continually re-opening wounds (especially on my lips) because I don't like the rough feel, and it feels so nice to peel it off and expose the smooth skin beneath, even if it leaves my fingers bloody. I can't seem to leave wounds alone to let them heal, whether physical or emotional it seems. That said, many of these posts remind me, when the hurts do resurface, that I've already worked through this, and help me re-focus, ideally on Christ. Pick it up, hold it, look at it, feel it, maybe make a few edits...and then put it back down and move on.
On the other (other) hand though, many wounds don't actually heal if I don't deal with them. Instead, they just fester.
The part that's tricky for me, though, is in letting others see it. Is it wise? Or does it just cause trouble? I go back and forth, constantly. I've lost track of the number of times I've made this public, and then switched back to private, and then back again.
So often when I share things like this, I feel like one of those dreams where you're in the middle of someplace public, and suddenly realize you're stark naked. How could I be so foolish?! How shameful!! Never again!! And, maybe that's not terribly inaccurate. Is it, in fact, akin to posting nude photos, only instead of a bare body, it's a bare soul? Is it equally socially unacceptable, equally problematic? I guess I haven't witnessed it in others enough to have sorted that one out fully (though having someone be this open with me would be amazing and wonderful.)
The thing is, though...if something is fundamentally wrong with how I am thinking about something, as much as it could suck in the moment, I'd really like to know, to be corrected. Knowing the truth is worth the pain. And how can that ever happen, if I keep it all under wraps?
How do other people process things? Do others not feel things as much as I do? Many people comment on how much of a "deep thinker" I am. This is confusing to me. How does one get through life without feeling the need to assimilate things into a logical whole? How does one function with unresolved cognitive dissonance...or do most people just not notice it somehow? Do others function just based on emotions, without having to study and understand them first, or work to understand what's actually driving them? It's a curiosity to me. I simultaneously think it must be wonderful, but also awful.
Do we not all want to be known and understood more fully, beyond the surface show we put on? Why do I desire this so much?
I'm pondering this because, again I'm thinking I might need to wrap up this blog. It's starting to come apart at the seams a bit (or maybe it's me that's doing that...), and I'm not sure if it is a tool for good or for evil.
Maybe I need a fresh start.
But, for anyone who stumbles on it...
This blog is an honest look at a small portion of the behind-the-scenes, slow-motion wrestling of a messed-up, depressive, probably-autistic Confessional Lutheran with various topics of life, mostly where theology and daily life intersect. It covers a particularly-difficult time in my life, dealing with the fallout from a giant mess of (primarily) my own making. You get to have a front-row seat to the trainwreck (without being privy to the details), and indulge in a bit of emotional voyeurism. Think with me, though, on these topics. Judge me as right or wrong, be shocked and horrified or nod your head in approval, or maybe find yourself comforted that - where you see something of your own experiences mirrored in mine - that you're not alone (or, am I actually alone?)
Really, this should be read in chronological order, but there's no good way to do that on this platform; the newest posts show up first. So, start with the oldest, and you'll get a bit of the progression of things. That said, most posts do stand on their own.
Maybe I'll add one more, though - or at least go back and edit a bit - because I want it to be clear that this is not, in fact, the story of how I left the faith. I am very much still a Christian, still a Confessional Lutheran, despite my struggles. I've found some answers to my most recent questions, and I'll add them when I can, lest you, dear [imaginary] reader, be led astray. (And if any of the links don't work, I apologize and will hopefully get around to fixing them soon.)
So... I guess yeah, I seem to have made up my mind. It's time to tuck this blog into bed, tiptoe out the door, and ramble on to someplace new.
But, for better or worse, I'll probably leave the door unlocked.
-M
Previous Post: Heartless
my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. (Isaiah 61:10)