[3/15/26]
In church today, I looked at everyone and everything, and distinctly thought/heard:
"This is such a nice church.
These are nice people.
Why did you have to come and ruin it?
Couldn't you have just left them alone?"
(Or something very close to that. )
It's the same theme as always, just a slightly different angle:
If you really loved [insert person/group], you'd leave.
If you really cared, you'd go.
They're better off without you.
It doesn't require the crippling sadness, or the hollow pit in my core that feels like the life being sucked out of me, or the darkness that's felt like an oppression, for it to be depression; I didn't feel it this time around until just now. It's not the usual, but I can feel numb. I can feel level, or "fine."
It's that logical conclusion, though, that's the giant red flag.
The familiar voice, so to speak.
The words may come from different directions, with different accents, but it's always the same push.
You've shown your hand, my friend.
Leave me the hell alone.
Knowing doesn't fix it. I can't seem to logic my way out of this.
You have a real point, there, I must confess.
But even so, I know this is false.
I don't know how to do anything other than retreat inward. I don't know how to fix this, how to escape.
I don't have anyone to reach out to, really. Not with this. And, reaching out usually goes badly, anyways.
I'll go get counseling tomorrow, and hopefully that'll help; that's one place to air this.
But this is spiritual. It's got to be. At least partially. And she can't help with that.
It's not unexpected, really. In fact, I'm surprised it's been kept at bay for as long as it has.
But O dear God, help me. Please.
...and if my sins are so bad that they could destroy the church?
Then I suppose I need to be there more than anyone else.
-M
___
[3/30/36]
I am still in a very bad place.
It doesn't take a genius to see where the conclusion of, "They're better off without me," can lead.
In so much of life I am constantly analyzing, constantly sorting the data, trying to find patterns, to make sense of things.
I'm realizing, this question is always in the background: Is it good that I'm here? Is my presence offering a net benefit, or am I a drag on the system? Am I causing pain, discomfort, annoyance, distress? Would it be a good work for me to leave?
If I truly care about someone or something, is it better that I stay away from them?
More and more I look at people and situations, and the answer is, "Yes."
I destroy things. I hurt people. I mess things up.
I'm weird and awkward, but seem normal enough and can put on a good front so that my social problems just look like rudeness, or laziness, or apathy rather than an actual mental problem or disability.
When I was a young teen, I never looked ahead at my life and really believed I'd ever reach adulthood, never truly pictured myself as being old, ever. I couldn't tell you why. But I think I can now.
The thought of having to continue to live like this, for so long, is beyond unbearable.
I'm 42. The idea that I'm only maybe halfway through this life is...crippling, depressing, leads to utter despair. I don't have the strength to do this all again!! And with a body that's only getting worse...?!
Oh Lord Jesus, come quickly.
My life is very solitary. My family, I can at least see they need me, to a certain extent. Even if I'm a drain, with my health issues and mental issues, without me they'd have a harder time keeping fed, clothed, managing the bills, etc.
My church? I need them; they don't really need me. It's much harder to make the case there that my presence is a positive, especially with the current situation.
But, should I curse some other church by going there? Perhaps I should choose one I really hate.
Ha.
But, truly, my (and my sons') need for Christ and His Means of Grace puts this in a different realm.
I am the worst drain of all on Christ. There is no net gain there; He loses, big time. But, He does so willingly, and in love.
I don't understand that.
But I trust it.
So, I'll keep going. Even if everyone ends up knowing how much of a wretch I am. Even if everyone ends up hating me (which is no less than I deserve.) He is my God. He tells me not to forsake the gathering, and so I won't.
Even if it looks like I'm destroying everything by doing so.
Lord, have mercy.