Forgiveness
How do you forgive?
I know that Christ commands it. As Christians, we are to love one another, and forgive others, especially each other. But how is this done?
I am an awful sinner, and I have wronged a close friend, hurting her deeply. But despite my best attempts at reconciliation, she refuses to discuss the matter, but has essentially cut me out of her life. It is only just and as I deserve, I suppose, and I have no right to be upset. It is ludicrous for me to be angry at her, when I'm primarily the one in the wrong here.
And yet...I am plagued by intense hurt and pain and bitterness.
She is not the first person to sever ties without any discussion. She has just been a little nicer about it than the others.
But was our friendship not worth a discussion, to try to save, or at least to understand one another? How long must I hang on, hoping for a change, waiting through the torturous facade of niceties? Every interaction is a reminder of what I've lost, of what I've been branded with. I'm stuck in limbo, and rather than be thankful for the smiles I sometimes receive, it is the scowls and avoidance and silence that drag me down and feed the bitterness that has grown in my heart. At this point - if I'm honest - I'm not even sure I want her friendship anymore.
I have cried more, and more deeply (sometimes so intensely, the best way I can describe it is "weeping my guts out"), and for longer, over this than I think I have ever cried over anything. Though I know without a doubt that I am forgiven by Christ for my sin, I am at a complete loss as to how to proceed. I am forbidden to bring it up, and go back and forth between deciding to let go and just move on with my life, and repenting and trying again to be open...only to be dragged back down to even deeper pain and resolve to move on at the next hurt...and then back again. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this cycle.
Today, though, after spending the morning composing in my head a "goodbye" speech, I find myself back in that place of trying to let go of the bitterness. I don't want to, honestly. I am angry and feel I have been discarded too easily, that I have been misunderstood and not taken seriously. But then I keep bumping up against God's Word, and it has this annoying habit of putting me in my place.
"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32
"Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!" Matthew 18:21b-22
It seems odd for me to need to forgive her. After all, I am the one who messed up in the first place. And yet her actions are causing me pain, and perhaps there is sin in her response, too.
How do I let go, though? It's nice enough to see that it's commanded, to agree that it's necessary and good. But HOW? Every time I think I've done it, that I open myself back up, I get sucker-punched in the gut, and it drags me back down into the dark depression that I have fought with most of my life. It is not good for my mental health, and is affecting my ability to be a good wife and mother. And since it's an on-going thing, and I see no end in sight, I wonder just how long do I have to keep this up? What do I do? It's slowly killing me.
I read a comment online from someone today that caught my attention. Essentially what they were saying was, in a situation like this, we need to look to the cross - not just to see that our own sin is paid for, but to see that theirs is paid for there as well. It is strange, but I'd never considered it in quite that light before.
I know my awful deeds are covered by Christ's righteousness, paid for on the Cross. And I know that she, too, is a child of God through that same salvation won by Christ. But, it is I think good for me to realize that in His death He took the punishment for the sins that she has committed against me as well.
Forgiveness is beyond my ability. I want to turn my back on her, I want to hurt her the way she is hurting me. I want to tell her off, to put up 3' thick walls and stew in my pain and bitterness, and drink its poison and hope for the end.
If I am indeed to forgive, to keep waiting and enduring the pain, it must be Christ forgiving her through me.
What need is there for me to punish her, when Christ already received the just punishment for her wrongs on her behalf?
I still don't know. It's no magic pill, and it doesn't take away the pain. I don't know how to not end up continually tormented and depressed. But, perhaps its a start. And, if she never lets me back into her life and never talks to me about it, I need to be ok with that, I suppose, even if it seems unjustly done. Life will go on, as it must. Though I fear I can't tolerate the pain of being reduced to an acquaintance; being flat-out shunned would be easier to take, in many ways.
Lord, have mercy. Grant me the strength to continue on. Save me from myself and my own bitterness. Put all these tears in your bottle, and remind me of your own perfect love and compassion in graciously and abundantly forgiving my many, many sins. Help me to be considerate of the pain she's enduring from how I have sinned against her. Show me how to best love my neighbor, either by my presence or by my absence.
And...come quickly, Lord Jesus.
-M
[Edit 11/13/25:
I've had another thought. Maybe it's valid, maybe not...
It's essentially the same thing, but from a different angle.
If someone sins against me, they owe me a debt. Forgiveness is essentially cancelling that debt. "You don't owe me anything." Remembering that Christ died for that sin too is good, but there's still a disconnect somewhere, at least in my own heart and mind.
But perhaps it's like this: the debt is transferred. Just like a bank can sell a loan to another bank, I can take that debt that is owed to me, and hand it over to Jesus. He pays for it, and now it's His problem. "You owed me a debt, but it's been paid for by Christ; I sold it...go take it up with Him."
What's the difference? It might seem minuscule, but in my mind it is important.
If I try and try to just ignore the debt, pretend it doesn't exist, make it go away...it doesn't seem to work. But if it's given to Christ - if He buys it - then it's not just magically erased, it's now His problem. Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord, etc. He paid for it with His blood, and now it's His responsibility to collect on if He decides to; that's between Him and them. It's out of my hands; I can stop carrying it around.
That idea...well, it doesn't sound as nice and holy and pious as just being able to "let it go" and have it dissolve into thin air. But I think it has merit. And I've found it helpful.
The only sticking point, is that it may be in conflict with the parable of the unforgiving servant. There he is supposed to let go of the debt in view of the great mercy he has been shown; that he too should show mercy. And indeed, that is - and must be - the driving force behind the desire to forgive. Forgive as you have been forgiven. As I have been forgiven.
I just...I wish I weren't such a wretch, that I could actually do this.
It was possible, for a bit, when I thought that those who sinned against me were repentant. The fellow servant, after all, acknowledged the debt and asked for mercy. But when there is no such desire for forgiveness, no acknowledgement of the wrong, when the conflict remains...what then? "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault. If he listens you, you have gained your brother." IF. Conditional. If he doesn't, there is no forgiveness, it seems. Or, is this talking about reconciliation? The forgiveness is there, he's just not interested in it, because he doesn't think he needs it?
Either way, in that scenario, the image of transferring the debt appeals to me.
So, those are my thoughts on the topic, currently. They may be wrong; take them or leave them. Correct me, if I've erred. But...I've found it to be helpful, in my more recent struggles with forgiveness.]
[Edit 11/25/25:
I've also realized that I've also been looking at forgiveness as a one-time event, as though I should be able to just forgive and then be done with it. And while this is what we are called to, it's also true that unforgiveness is a sin like any other, one that we can easily fall back into again and again, and can find ourselves having to fight against on a regular basis.
There are no magical words, no magical formula that makes it so that we conquer it and are never tempted by unforgiveness again. Sometimes we might be able to forgive and truly be free of it quickly; other times - like when the pain is particularly acute, or the wound especially deep and profound - it may hound us our whole lives.
But the good news is... Christ died for this sin too.
So while, when I look to Christ on the cross and see of how much He has forgiven me, and how I should then do likewise for my neighbor, and strive to do so... I also, when I fail, should look to Him for that forgiveness that He has won there on the cross that covers even this sin.
Oh Lord, forgive me for my unforgiveness.]