Forgiveness
How do you forgive?
I know that Christ commands it. As Christians, we are to love one another, and forgive others, especially each other. But how is this done?
I am an awful sinner, and I have wronged a close friend, hurting her deeply. But despite my best attempts at reconciliation, she refuses to discuss the matter, but has essentially cut me out of her life. It is only just and as I deserve, I suppose, and I have no right to be upset. It is ludicrous for me to be angry at her, when I'm primarily the one in the wrong here.
And yet...I am plagued by intense hurt and pain and bitterness.
She is not the first person to sever ties without any discussion. She has just been a little nicer about it than the others.
But was our friendship not worth a discussion, to try to save, or at least to understand one another? How long must I hang on, hoping for a change, waiting through the torturous facade of niceties? Every interaction is a reminder of what I've lost, of what I've been branded with. I'm stuck in limbo, and rather than be thankful for the smiles I sometimes receive, it is the scowls and avoidance and silence that drag me down and feed the bitterness that has grown in my heart. At this point - if I'm honest - I'm not even sure I want her friendship anymore.
I have cried more, and more deeply (sometimes so intensely, the best way I can describe it is "weeping my guts out"), and for longer, over this than I think I have ever cried over anything. Though I know without a doubt that I am forgiven by Christ for my sin, I am at a complete loss as to how to proceed. I am forbidden to bring it up, and go back and forth between deciding to let go and just move on with my life, and repenting and trying again to be open...only to be dragged back down to even deeper pain and resolve to move on at the next hurt...and then back again. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this cycle.
Today, though, after spending the morning composing in my head a "goodbye" speech, I find myself back in that place of trying to let go of the bitterness. I don't want to, honestly. I am angry and feel I have been discarded too easily, that I have been misunderstood and not taken seriously. But then I keep bumping up against God's Word, and it has this annoying habit of putting me in my place.
"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32
"Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!" Matthew 18:21b-22
It seems odd for me to need to forgive her. After all, I am the one who messed up in the first place. And yet her actions are causing me pain, and perhaps there is sin in her response, too.
How do I let go, though? It's nice enough to see that it's commanded, to agree that it's necessary and good. But HOW? Every time I think I've done it, that I open myself back up, I get sucker-punched in the gut, and it drags me back down into the dark depression that I have fought with most of my life. It is not good for my mental health, and is affecting my ability to be a good wife and mother. And since it's an on-going thing, and I see no end in sight, I wonder just how long do I have to keep this up? What do I do? It's slowly killing me.
I read a comment online from someone today that caught my attention. Essentially what they were saying was, in a situation like this, we need to look to the cross - not just to see that our own sin is paid for, but to see that theirs is paid for there as well. It is strange, but I'd never considered it in quite that light before.
I know my awful deeds are covered by Christ's righteousness, paid for on the Cross. And I know that she, too, is a child of God through that same salvation won by Christ. But, it is I think good for me to realize that in His death He took the punishment for the sins that she has committed against me as well.
Forgiveness is beyond my ability. I want to turn my back on her, I want to hurt her the way she is hurting me. I want to tell her off, to put up 3' thick walls and stew in my pain and bitterness, and drink its poison and hope for the end.
If I am indeed to forgive, to keep waiting and enduring the pain, it must be Christ forgiving her through me.
What need is there for me to punish her, when Christ already received the just punishment for her wrongs on her behalf?
I still don't know. It's no magic pill, and it doesn't take away the pain. I don't know how to not end up continually tormented and depressed. But, perhaps its a start. And, if she never lets me back into her life and never talks to me about it, I need to be ok with that, I suppose, even if it seems unjustly done. Life will go on, as it must. Though I fear I can't tolerate the pain of being reduced to an acquaintance; being flat-out shunned would be easier to take, in many ways.
Lord, have mercy. Grant me the strength to continue on. Save me from myself and my own bitterness. Put all these tears in your bottle, and remind me of your own perfect love and compassion in graciously and abundantly forgiving my many, many sins. Help me to be considerate of the pain she's enduring from how I have sinned against her. Show me how to best love my neighbor, either by my presence or by my absence.
And...come quickly, Lord Jesus.
-M