The Sinner
Yesterday I did something I didn't expect to do: I shook my former pastor's hand.
Before converting to Lutheranism, I attended a local charismatic, non-denominational church, which has a school attached to it. My children attended there for a while before we started homeschooling, and my eldest still participates in the band. Last evening was the Christmas concert, which I always approach with an odd mix of fear and dread, tinged with an obnoxious bit of hope.
We left the church back in 2017, and basically all of the relationships I had are defunct, for one reason or another.
The one reason? I'm a rotten, stinking sinner. (The "another"? It varies, I'm sure.)
I don't say that with snark...well, at least only a little bit. It is very true; I am not only a sinner who continually hurts the few who dare to get close to me, but I am sinful to my very core; sadly it is a part of who I am; it is the Old Adam I inherited, and who clings to me until I die.
10 years ago I hurt a couple of our closest friends there, such that they immediately shut me out of their lives and forbade contact. I walked around for the following years with my sin seemingly displayed on my chest, in full view to all, their averted eyes a constant reminder of what was apparently unforgivable. And, as the story slowly leaked out, it spread to others in the congregation who then kept their distance as well.
Despite having no children in the school and never having attended a concert previously, they showed up at the concert last night.
After the fall-out with them back in 2014, there was one who showed mercy and befriended me. Her friendship was like a salve to my soul, and I poured myself into that relationship, clinging to it as a rope that kept me from falling into the deep dark pit. I let her in closer than I'd ever let anyone previously...and somehow managed to foul that friendship up too. I think I just tried too hard and made things weird. She eventually disappeared from my life, to the point of actually shunning me, again without discussion.
She was there, too. But that was to be expected, as she is the current pastor's wife.
Also in attendance was my mentor for several years, and her daughter's family with whom we used to be fairly close. Plus various and sundry others of more minor account in this story.
And yes...my old pastor, another surprise. I found myself face to face with him in an aisle, and he smiled and shook my hand before quickly moving on.
I'm very practiced at avoiding people, and mostly just stayed in my seat and kept my head down (under my strategically-worn hat) in order to get through the whole ordeal intact.
But the odd and horrible thing, is that I still crave the love and affection from these people that I once enjoyed. We're on vastly different pages now, theologically, and between that and whatever my reputation has spiraled into since I left, there's likely no chance - or practical benefit - of re-connecting. Just paste on a grin for a few hours, avoid eye contact, survive, and move on.
And yet, I couldn't help but hope for a glance, a smile, some sign of my presence being anything more than a curse.
So, what is my awful sin? I'm sure it depends on who you ask, and I'm not 100% sure I can define it myself, as it has manifested in somewhat different ways over the years. It's an odd thing emotional thing that I wrestle with, and no one has yet been able to give a satisfactory label to it as a whole, really, nor do I care to try to explain. But suffice it to say, I'm not a Nice Person, and you should probably keep your distance (and I mean that in all seriousness.) Keep it surface-level, and I can be a lovely person to be around, I'm sure.
But the point of all of this - aside from being cathartic for me - is that it's amazing how something that happened so long ago can still be so fresh. Satan is a cunning cur, and even knowing, KNOWING, that my sins are forgiven, I found myself wallowing in fresh condemnation, re-living the pain, and hearing that I am unlovable, that I am too messed up to be worth befriending, that my sins will always spoil every relationship, and everyone else is better off if I just accept the inevitable and keep to myself.
The thing is, they're not lies. I AM a damnable sinner. I DO ruin relationships. I DO hurt people. I repetitively show myself to be an untrustworthy and poor friend. BUT...
Here's the thing: Christ came for sinners. Jesus receives sinners. He bled and died for not the righteous, but those in desperate need of a righteousness not their own. It is possible that my sins may indeed disqualify me from friendships with others, but they do not disqualify me from the mercy and grace of my Heavenly Father. Indeed, they are a necessary prerequisite, as it were.
So, thank you, oh foolish devil, world, and sinful flesh, for reminding me of my many and great sins...because in so doing you have reminded me of my greater Savior, who has paid for those sins in full. He removed my guilt by baptizing me, by pouring the very Blood of forgiveness into my mouth, and even by announcing forgiveness for those very particular sins through the Absolution. Pardon my language, but you can take your condemnation and shove it; it has no place here.
And if the world turns its back on me, it does not matter. What is the world to me? My Jesus is my treasure.
-M