Help (reprise)



I stand by my previous statement: usually a waste of time. 

For some reason, I've always had a hard time getting people to take me seriously. Communicating pain and distress is very difficult. I usually wait 'til I can't take any more before I say something, and then it's often brushed off. 

When I was in labor with each of my children, because I could smile and keep talking through the contractions, they didn't believe that I was in as much distress as I was. With my first, everything ended up ok.  With my second, though, he came early, because by the time they realized I was serious, things were too far gone to stop it.  End result: mid-night emergency c-section, my son rushed to the NICU without me getting to hold him, where he spent the next 12 days under a plastic dome hooked up to machines.


I'm currently down to about 5 foods that I'm eating, and still having crippling digestive problems, but doctors won't do anything, and even my own husband thinks I'm a hypochondriac.  

I'm good at pushing through, at making it look like I'm fine, and I do this automatically.  I don't really know how to show pain, I guess.

But then, when I say I need help, people tend to think I'm exaggerating, or being overly dramatic, especially when it's something that's invisible.  I suppose if I came along with my arm lopped off, (a mere flesh wound), people wouldn't hesitate to assist. (snark)

Mustering up the courage to ask for help is a monumental task and requires vulnerability.  To then not be taken seriously is like pouring lemon juice on a gaping wound.


Ok...but, where's the reversal?

Ah, well there is One who will never misunderstand - who will always take me seriously - because He knows me better even than I know myself.  He sees and He knows.  I don't have to run and hide to pour out my tears in the dark where no one will see; He is right there with me when I do so, no matter where I go.  I couldn't hide it from Him even if I wanted to.

There's a saying, that God will never give you more than you can handle.  I think that's crap.  I could maybe switch it around to something like, "God will never give you more than He can handle." That sounds nice, but is kind of meaningless too.  It's like saying, "It's done in God's strength, not mine."  How does that work, exactly?  I've never really grasped that one.

God will stay true to His Word.  He redeems me from my sins, He pours out His grace on me, sustaining my faith in the midst of trials.  I can endure them knowing that they will one day end (either they will, or I will), and eternity is mine.  But, for better or worse, my sanity doesn't have to be intact for that to be true, and there's no guarantee that it'll survive the ordeal.  

He gives me the true Help that I need, the Eternal Food that keeps my soul alive.  He forgives my sins, which is what I most desperately need, above all else.

"And take they our our life, goods, fame, child, and wife... "  All these things are, in the last analysis, expendable.

...but it'd sure be nice to keep them, if at all possible. 

And what about when the pressure is intense, focused on wedging and prying me away from the weekly source of that Eternal Food?  Aah, I'm fighting, but it's a fight that I'm failing, and the consequences are dire indeed.  And the reserves I thought were arriving today are at least another week out, I'm now told.  

"Be at peace."  

Yes, but how?

"Go in peace; be warmed and filled."


Lord, have mercy.  Christ, have mercy.  Lord, have mercy.


-M


(...maybe just knowing help might come eventually will be enough to get me through.  Oh please, let it be so.)