Distraction
There's this story about Bernard of Clairvaux, that while riding along one day he encountered a farmer. After a brief discussion about hard manual labor vs prayer, St. Bernard bet the man that he couldn't get through even one time praying the Lord's Prayer without becoming distracted...and if he could manage to do it, he'd give him his own beautiful horse. The farmer readily agreed, but got about as far as, "Thy will be done," before turning and asking, "Do I get the saddle, too?"
But distraction, for me, extends beyond just this realm. My mind is always wandering, always looking for something to chew on. There are a bajillion different things that demand my attention - that NEED my attention - but no matter how much I try to stay focused, it's rarely long before I realize my mind is elsewhere.
Perhaps it's a matter of wants versus needs. Responsibilities come with stressors, and I don't want that. I want to think about things that are interesting to me in the moment, that I enjoy doing, that are maybe puzzling or pleasant, or even that are distressing and painful - that I want to reason out how to ease that pain or distress, and sooner rather than later.
Some people seem (emphasis on SEEM) to have this whole thing figured out. Put your priorities in order, and then stick to that order. Manage your time well. Control and minimize distractions, putting them in their proper place, giving them their proper time. Me though? I suck at this. It's almost like a physical strain, a muscle that is atrophied but perhaps with proper training could be toned and trained and develop the ability for endurance.
...if I could ever muster up the focus to work on it. (snark)
So what am I distracted by? Worries about food, planing my garden in my head (and promptly forgetting it), designing housing for meat chickens, trying to remember things that I need to do, writing things in my head...but mostly analyzing things, especially past interactions with people. I'll re-play discussions, mentally kicking myself for saying stupid things or not saying other things that I should have. I'll re-write the script, or work on designing new scripts for what to say when I do see people next. Or I'll carry on conversations with people in my head, crafted wholesale from my own imagination. And I'll re-live emotions, smiling at things that were funny or pleasant, and being gripped with sorrow at causing and/or witnessing others' pain.
...and in the meantime, the potatoes are boiling over.
Not all distractions are bad, though. At times I've listened to lots of theological podcasts, and they'd often spark topics that would require contemplation. This was especially true during my first few years as a Lutheran, continually stumbling on things that were so different from what I'd been taught. Being distracted by God's Word and thoughts about God is far from a bad thing, I think, even if it does result in burning the chow.
Is it possible, though, that God might actually bring distractions to mind? Well, I don't know about that. I think if it happens in the middle of hearing the Bible read (or reading it oneself), or during a sermon etc, then no. It is God's will that we gladly hear and learn His Word, and so things that pull us away from that must not be of God. But if I'm trying to plan a garden, and my mind keeps wandering to the mystery of the Trinity, or puzzling over some verses I read...then perhaps. But, even if my mind does wander, it could be at least partially redeemed by recognizing what is drawing my attention away is something that weighs on me, and thus taking a moment to pray about it would be a good thing, a way to take what the devil meant for evil and giving it a little ricochet action, as it were.
A nice idea, and a beneficial and laudable practice...but not one that I've mastered. (I should add it to the list. Sigh.)
All of this can be so very discouraging. One day, maybe, I'll do well; I'll have my priorities straight, keep my focus in check, budget my attention like I would my money, and I'll be feeling pretty good. But oh, those days are few and far between. And inevitably the next one will be a real stinker. What's a girl to do?
Do like everything else: Look to Jesus.
He was single-minded in His purpose. He set is face like a flint to go to Jerusalem. When He explained to His disciples that He would suffer, be killed, and then raised, Peter rebuked Him. But Jesus refused to waver in His focus, responding so strongly he even called Peter "Satan," telling him that he was setting his mind not on the things of God, but on the things of man.
Jesus' mind was always where it should be. Where I fail at this over and over all day long, He never wavered. Where my mind wanders to my own wants and desires, His was unwavering - and not for His own benefit, but for mine.
And what was He focused on? The joy set before Him, namely...us. Our salvation.
Me. My salvation.
He kept His focus perfectly so that He could take up my sins, my distractions, my wanderings, suffer God's wrath over them on my behalf, and give to me His perfect obedience. And one day, because of what He has accomplished, He'll bring me to Himself, where for eternity my focus will be right were it ought to be.
-M