Loneliness
It seems ludicrous, to feel lonely when in the near-constant company of other people, who usually want my attention in one way or another.
...and yet, interestingly enough, one of the very loneliest places you can be is in the middle of a crowd of people that you don't know.
Perhaps the need is not so much for the presence of other people, as it is for connection.
I can usually stave off the feeling by keeping busy, by keeping myself occupied and distracted. Some days that works better than others. And some days I don't feel it, even if I'm not running from one thing to the next. It's usually not far beneath the surface, though, and all it really takes is a little sleep-deprivation here, or some physical discomfort there, and it starts to assert itself. I guess it makes sense; when I start to be worn down and I'm beginning to wear thin, all the weaknesses poke through more readily, this one included.
And when pulling myself up by my own bootstraps starts failing, my neediness starts to show. The facade fades, the screen slips, the curtain collapses (the disguise disintigrates, the veil vanishes...this is fun, I could go on...but you get the idea), and suddenly I'm not so self-confident.
And what does one do when one's confidence starts to fade? Look for a smile, a pleasant conversation, the support of another. (And in the absence of that, the chirp of a text message, a "like" on social media, etc. All quasi-artificial and like drug-laced candy for the brain.)
If we're being honest...it's all in looking for an ego boost.
I live a pretty lonely life, on the whole. Busy, but largely disconnected. Oh, I actually do leave my house most days now (which hasn't generally been the case), but it's usually to run errands, ferry kids to different activities, etc. When I do have the chance to connect (like I did unexpectedly this week, while ice skating), I often succumb to the social anxiety that plagues me, and chicken out, choosing rather to keep to myself than risk the awkwardness, fear, and potential rejection.
There's not a lot that I have in common with people, especially with my health issues that make everything so difficult, and it's hard for others to really understand or grasp this. Sourcing everything meticulously (or growing it myself - seriously nothing from a grocery store), spending hours a day cooking it from scratch, packing and taking all my own food and water everywhere with me, weighing everything and analyzing just to keep being able to function...and this sucking up most of my life. Or my Lutheran beliefs that draw a hard line between me and my family members...between me and my husband. Even my clothes make me weird (skirts and dresses cause less pain than pants.) Homeschooling is more common now, but still an oddity, and who for real doesn't contribute to their family financially by bringing home at least some sort of a paycheck these days?
Plus, I don't like dogs.
So, perhaps that's what drives the loneliness that plagues me so readily. I'm afraid of connection (the social anxiety), but I crave it, even as it seems futile because of my abnormalities; I want to not be alone, but I'm also an introvert who needs alone time (that I often don't get.) And loneliness is often perilous, as it's a dangerous path to allow myself to tread, because of where it can lead.
Looking back over what I've typed so far, I'm noticing a trend...a focus...a word that is used a bit too often.
(ok, so it's actually "I", but you get the idea.)
Loneliness comes, in some ways I think, from this fixation on self. It's about me, about my wants, about my needs. "I'm not feeling loved and wanted." "I'm not feeling the connection I crave." But the thing is, we've been made by God to be focused not on ourselves, but on others. What about my children; do they feel the love and connection from me that they need and desire? What about my husband; does he? Or the woman at the ice rink...maybe she could have used a little connection, even if it was awkward. Wouldn't my mother love to get a call from me? Instead of thinking of these things, though, I prefer to wrap myself in the cozy blanket of victimhood, wishing others would reach out to ME.
But even looking at things from this perspective, it doesn't fix anything. "Try harder, do better". Grab those bootstraps a little more firmly...put your back into it, maybe you can heave yourself over that bar. (Actually, better to set it a little lower, while you're at it.) "Reach out more" is good advice, and it can help. But it doesn't fix the deeper issue that drives it all.
For that, I don't need good advice, a different perspective, or a better game plan; I need a rescue.
More precisely, I need a Rescuer.
Jesus sees me in my struggles with loneliness. He knows not only my inwardly-curved emotions - driven by sin - but also my failure to see and to serve my neighbor by extending a hand to others. True, He is always with me, so in that sense my loneliness is a lie, but it is different than having a flesh-and-blood face-to-face interaction, a connection that is visible and tangible. He made me to crave relationships with others, but He also made me primarily for connection with Himself.
Because of that, He reached into my me-centered world and my selfishness cloaked in the poisonous shroud of victimhood, He took my self-absorption and my failure to love and give of myself as I ought, and placed it all upon Himself on the Cross. But He did not leave me uncovered, but wrapped me instead in the true comfort of His own righteousness, in which I can stand before God unashamed.
And not only does He rescue me from my own sinful self, but He comes to me - physically - in a visible and tangible way every Sunday in the Supper. Where my connection with others is limited to the superficial, He connects Himself to me in a supremely intimate way, in giving me His own blood to drink...not in order to give me some sort of fleeting ego-boost, but to forgive the sins His Word first revealed in me, giving me true and lasting peace with God.
Each week as I kneel at the rail, I find myself - in a realer-than-real sense - in the midst of a crowd larger than I can imagine: angels and archangels and all the company of Heaven, that great cloud of witnesses. I don't know most of them personally (yet), but when I'm kneeling there, I'm far from lonely; I'm HOME. I'm getting a tiny fore-taste of Eternity, where I'll be forever united in perfect connection with all the Saints who have gone before...and with the One who loved and rescued me, and promises never to leave me or forsake me.
He gave everything FOR ME...little old me, me, me...so that I would not be left alone in my sin, alone and apart from Him and His perfect love. He rescued me from myself, so that I can be perfectly united to Him forever, never to be lonely again.
God be praised.
-M