Jealousy
If you look at my dad's eyes, you'll see that they are the loveliest blue color. My eldest son - his namesake - inherited them. My youngest, my grandmother once told me, has the same warm, chocolaty-brown eyes that my grandfather used to have.
Me? Mine are green. I don't know where they came from, but they are particularly apropos.
My issues with jealousy started, I think, in my pre-teen years. I developed one of those rare, immediate, close friendships with my new pastor's daughter, who had just moved in down the street. We were getting the house ready for them to come over so we could meet them, and my brother and I were mopping the kitchen floor, when she suddenly and unexpectedly popped in earlier than anticipated through the garage entrance, catching me off guard...in the middle of a frustrated scolding of my little brother. I turned around, bit off my words mid-sentence, and quickly assumed my usual shy, awkward demeanor, once my brain comprehended what had just happened.
Amazingly, despite what I thought was a less-than-stellar first impression, she later told me that that's when she knew we'd be best friends.
From that day on we were practically inseparable. I probably wore a groove in the road from all of the trips back and forth from my house to hers. They basically adopted me as a member of their family, and I have so many fond memories of hanging out at their house, playing duets on the piano, sitting at the dinner table, sharing secrets and giggling in her room, and being introduced for the first time to The Princess Bride.
"I'm sorry, she's not here right now. She's over at [so and so's] for the day."
Ah, those green eyes were activated.
Oh, she knew I was obsessed, and had been for a long time. But I was so painfully shy and insecure and terrified, I could never bring myself to say anything to him. The three of us were friends, along with the rest of our tiny youth group, and one day I was knocked out of my socks when she started dating him. Was I ok with it? Of course, of course, I wanted her to be happy, etc. etc.
But of course, of course, I was not. I watched them together, laughing, holding hands, whispering to each other. I listened to her chatter on about him, about all the things they were doing together. Oh, how very, very green my eyes must have been, had she but noticed.
Skip ahead some more years. This time, the scene was a summer camp. I'd been dating a guy (my now husband, in fact.) It was my first actual relationship; I think I was 19 at this point. I was a camp counselor, and he was a dreamy lifeguard. I spent my days wrangling 11-year-olds in the woods, and he spent his on the waterfront...with another woman.
I'd known her since I was a camper myself. She was my idol, everything that I wished that I was: stunningly gorgeous, confident with an easy and self-assured manner, strong, talented, funny, and her dark hair had these beautiful natural curls (while mine was boringly straight and unruly.) I had been so excited to see her name on the staff list for the summer, so excited for him to meet her. But as the days went on, seeing them bond and connect and become very close, sitting in the sun in their bathing suits, getting tan on the waterfront together...oh it got very, very bad.
I could go on. It's almost easier to list people that I HAVEN'T been jealous of, in one way or another, at one time or another.
Always, it seemed justified. I didn't need another friend, so why did she? It was wrong for her to date him, knowing how I felt, wasn't it? Wouldn't he end up falling for this obviously-superior woman, if they got so close, while I was left in the dust/woods? Wasn't I the victim here? Weren't the relationships that I cherished (or desired) the most, at risk of being taken from me? Shouldn't I have tried to protect them and guard myself from the loss?
Ah, but did I not trust them? Well no, actually, I didn't. And more importantly, I didn't trust God to provide for my needs, even my emotional need for connection and relationships. I selfishly wanted to hog them for myself. This wasn't about what was best for them, it was about what I perceived to be best for ME.
Wait, but isn't God described as being a jealous God? Yes, but His jealousy is a holy and righteous one. He is jealous, not out of selfishness, but out of selfless love for us. We, like a wayward wife, are prone to wander from Him, bowing down to and serving other gods. If we turn away from Him and from the grace that He gives us through Christ, our Bridegroom, then we are cutting ourselves off from salvation. He wants to bring us back from the lovers we run to, not because He needs our affection, but because we are the objects of His pure, self-giving, redeeming love, and He is not willing that any of us should perish.
My jealousy, on the contrary, was (and is) absolutely all about me and my wants.
If you've read through my previous posts, maybe at this point you're like me, wondering what sin doesn't plague me, what wrong isn't my fault, what good actually does dwell in me.
Truly, I am THE SINNER.
One day, though, I'll be free of this sin, as well as all of the others. One day the righteousness that I do have in Christ will be visible. One day I won't look at others and feel pangs of jealousy at what they have that I don't, whether its things or people or skills or even goodness. One day this fight against sin will cease, because every last remnant of sin that still clings to me in this life will be completely gone.
...I have to wonder, though, when either Atropos finally wields her scissors or Christ returns in glory, when all the sin is stripped away...after the dust that I am settles, will there be anything left?
In the light of the Law, the answer seems like it would be, "No." My nature is utterly corrupted, and trying to separate me from my sin is like (using Luther's analogy) trying to separate leprosy from the flesh it infects. How can it be, that in the last analysis I won't be utterly annihilated? Who am I, apart from all my sin and jealousy and bitterness and selfishness and covetousness and impatience and harshness and anger and unkind words?
Only God knows.
All I know is that my life is hidden with Christ. This sin within me already died with Him in Baptism, and in those same waters I was given a new life, a New Man, who arises daily to live before God in righteousness and purity forever. This, I confess, I do not see. It must be received by faith, not by sight. And one day, in a way that I cannot comprehend, my eyes will finally see what is already true.
and at the last he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has been thus destroyed,
yet in my flesh I shall see God,
whom I shall see for myself,
and my eyes shall behold, and not another.
And He will gaze upon me, with shining eyes that see no blemish or stain of sin - for He Himself washed them all away, and they are no more. He will see only His spotless bride, whom He made beautiful, and purchased with His own blood.
