Friend-justification
I've had a thought.
I wonder if, in friendships, we often are actually looking for a means of self-justification.
What I mean is this: If I let you in, let you see the "real me", what I'm looking for - and what you're looking for in doing the same - is acceptance. Isn't that the essence of friendship? Mutual love and acceptance? I know the good and the bad about you, and you know the good and the bad about me, and yet we approve of one another and enjoy each other's company.
So, if I show you my true colors, and you reject me, then I'm faced with the fact that who I am isn't quite so nice and lovely as I personally think that it is/I am. Conversely, if I share some dark part of my soul and you embrace me just the same, or share that you too have a similar dark side, then my conscience is soothed about that not-so-nice aspect of my person, and I'm able to continue on with life, believing it to not be so bad after all.
So we gather people around us who accept us for "who we are," perhaps on some level because it allows us to continue to be "that person" but not feel so bad about it. Hence why people who sin in similar ways tend to flock to one another: divorcees to other divorcees, LGBTQ+ to others of the same persuasion, drunks to other drunks, those who have had abortions to others who have done the same, etc. We find others who don't flinch at our misdeeds, but rather have their own consciences soothed by acceptance from others who have acted similarly.
That's maybe a more extreme example, but I wonder if it plays out in smaller ways too. I might have a hard time being friends with someone who has a perfect, immaculate house, because every time I visit I feel condemned in my lack of good housekeeping (and failure to serve my family in that way.) My tendency toward gluttony might be assuaged by a friendship with someone who, similarly, lacks restraint in the amount of food they consume. We like friends who make us feel good, who we can be comfortable around.
Of course, we SHOULD accept our friends for who they are, and true friends SHOULD be comfortable around one another. As Christians we should love and accept one another, knowing that we too are sinners relying on the sheer mercy of God, and should offer grace and forgiveness to one another on that account. But there's something a little different going on here. True friends love one another, not because it's advantageous for us to do so, but because it's simply what we do, a manifestation of love for the neighbor. Where there is sin, real love is willing to risk the comfort - risk the relationship - out of love for the other, rebuking out of care and concern in order to call the friend back and offer assistance and forgiveness. Iron sharpens iron, as the Good Book says. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy." Proverbs 27:6 (ESV)
Ultimately our justification can come only from one source: Jesus Christ. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me; your approval doesn't negate my sinful soul, nor does your acceptance make the blackness white, or the wrong right. It is only the grace of God in Christ, poured out on us from the Cross, that justifies.
Seeking acceptance in others is not wrong in an of itself. But if my motivation is for you to see the dark core of who I am and to embrace it as though it were light, then what I'm doing is seeking to be justified apart from Christ. I want your acceptance, so that I can feel better about who I am, rather than taking a hard and honest look at my heart and agreeing with God's verdict: deceitful and wicked. (Jer. 17:9) Original Sin must drive us - as any actual sin does - to the Cross, where as beggars we can find abundant mercy and grace, and a righteousness not our own.
Before God, then, I should lay my soul out bare. He knows how black it is anyways. But before you, perhaps such nudity is unwise, and maybe even unloving. To be open and honest is good, to a point. But we wear clothes for a reason.
Hindsight and whatnot. But, where things have been exposed to the light - for better or worse - wisdom would embrace the censure, repent and trust in Christ for forgiveness, and do what one can to amend one's ways...before procuring some sturdy clothing with good coverage.
Here's to the modestly of the soul.
-M